Broke But Bold Gifts

'I've pinpointed our problem. There's too much month left at the end of my salary!'

The New Fundamentals of Art: 'We'll begin with the most basic figure, the trademark attorney...'

"In your 40s, hair starts growing everywhere except where it should."

'Hey, look. This anti hair loss treatment is finally working. My hair's stopped falling out!'

Workaholics anonymous open all day every day.

'Financial suicide hotline. How may I help you?'

'Remember, you said, a change is as good as a holiday!'

"Didn't anyone tell you this is the private juice bar of the Health's Angels?"

'Wake up, Jim. It's time for your break.'

"Homework is work, and work without breaks is a federal offense that can be reported to the labor board."

'Hey! Kid in the blue! Where'd you get that BEER?'

"I like the suit, but do you have it in a smaller check?"

'Y'know, Henderson, that's exactly the sort of thing that makes people of you as a loose cannon.'

'A metal plate in your head does not qualify as a helmet.'

"I have reason to believe that you are the notorious 'graffiti granny'.."

I'm on Break.

'OK, pal, you've called me a little shrimp for the last time - let's see what you're made of!'

'Hey! †I thought we were going to make our own rules!'

Joe was so poor, his dog was a tumbleweed.

"Today on the Godcast, what if I told you 'commandments' were more like 'suggestments?'"

Harried worker to colleague: 'It's all about vacation, vacation, vacation!'

The Skullsmashers gang was known for was cruel and inhuman initiation rituals.

Kissing ban.

'Ernie may look tough, but he's really a geek at heart.'

'When all else fails, try doing it the way the boss told you.'

"Wasting time is an important part of living."

Hairdressing for Bald People

Ask me about my thick neck.

"I hear your fix choppers."

'Old Fred spoils that pooch of his!'

"They tell us to walk when we're kids and want to run, but to run when you're old and want to walk!"

'I need a break. What can I download that'll take an hour?'

'They give you that 'I'm tough but thoughtful' look'