Bridegroom Gifts

"Along with the invitations, announcements, and save-the-date cards, I'd like some 'I told you so' cards for people who thought I'd never get married."

Training the Bride's Train Bearers

". . . and do you, John, give up your smug air of bemused detachment for the demands of marriage?"

'Do you, Earl, and your mother take thee, Betty, and her shortcomings?'

'Yeah, yeah, could we move on, please? I already read him his rights.'

"...Do you both like and subscribe..."

"Do you, Darlene, take Jim to be your lawfully wedded husband, when you could, clearly, do far better?"

"Stepping on the gown never works. They run faster without it."

I must say a winter wedding certainly saves on confetti!'

'Now I kinda wish we had planned a bigger wedding.'

"You may now kiss the bride..."

"Thanks to my wedding planner, everyone in the wedding is still talking to each other."

"Will you stand by him through humiliating revelation after humiliating revelation, and then-once you're sure it couldn't possibly get any worse-when even more humiliating revelations come to light?"

"And now, Marla and Dave will text their own vows."

"The wedding cake as holy sacrament"

"She can walk the walk, but can she talk the talk?"

Wedding Day Itinerary.

'He does.'

'I always cry at weddings!'

'It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.'

"He thought he'd stand out more in a body suit."

'Apparently the stag party has gone into extra time.'

"Who told the quartet to play 'Highway to Hell'?"

"Gals, you know I hate being the center of attention, so for the next 45 minutes I am going to monologue about all the minute details of my wedding planning."

'Why can't he just say 'I do'?'

'....Till death do you part, don't say I didn't warn you.'

"...And do you promise if you ever should divorce that you'll remain friends?"

Visual Gag: An about to be married Bride using a real train as a wedding gown train

"Do you, Halfomild Tellycelebrtipewhoo-hoo, promise to brush up on matters such as the Hadron Collider?"

"Nobody told me it was a dress down wedding day!"

'Actually, most brides would find being stranded on a deserted beach very romantic...'

The Happiest Hen in Acle

"You may now let me go try to get the sand out of my shoes and suit just in time for my next beach wedding."

"Of course I'm aware of reality! I mean, we met in St. Thomas, got engaged in Austria, announced it in London and now we're getting married in the Flatbush Jewish Center!"

"Excuse me, Reverend, but what, exactly, do you have to do to get a drink around here?"