Breakup Support Pillows

'Sorry, Marvin, we can never work out. I'm a Pisces, and you're a geek.'

Boss, what's the best way to break up with someone without hurting her feelings? Hush money. What? Offer the dumpee a cashier's check for $5,000 on the condition she refrains from having hurt feelings. If she just can't do that, then you should be compassionate and offer her a $1,000 check as long as she agrees not to burden you with her hurt feelings. Very bad man. Compassion is an essential component of any severance package.

"We have three house blends: 'One More Chance', 'Forget About It' or 'I'll See You In Fun Court'."

"I don't love you. That's it in a nutshell."

Speed Dating for Turtles

"I met him on an online dating site. He was on their 'return' section."

"It's not the social stigma. It's the mercury."

'Oh, Arthur...You sweet, blind, mad, dear, silly fool....Don't you see it could never last?'

"Like I could date a guy from Notre Dame."

"I really miss being in a committed relationship, Randy." "Which part do you miss most?" "Having someone disagree with you over what you're going to eat, or over what TV shows you're going to watch? Or do you miss having to account for how you spend your time? Or having to explain why you bought yourself something awesome without first getting permission?" "Mostly I miss the back rubs. They don't ask you to wash the dishes first at massage parlors."

"Babe, I'm gonna leave you... It may take a few eons, but I am definitely gonna leave you..."

"She loves you... yeah... yeah... yeah..."

Large Emoticon Collider

Pony express. Pony express yourself. Pony express yourself so much he left.

"I can't believe he brought her."

The prying mantis,

'It wouldn't work - you're Leo and I'm Sagittarius.'

"It's over, Martin. I've met someone with bigger cheeks."

"I do have a special someone, but he sucks."

"I'm trying to forget a pussycat."

'When he said it would be 'me and him against the world' I had no idea everyone was already mad at him.'

"My wife left me. Then my hard drive died."

"Have you tried barking at the moon?"

When Love In The Laboratory Turns Sour.

'I don't like Gerald as a person, but I like him as a concept.'

"We broke up. I wanted a proprietary platform - she wanted open source."

"Can you recommend a wine that would compliment a divorce?"

'Don't blame me -- You're the one who had to have more personal space!'

"Bob & Sue 2011" "Sued Bob 2011"

Their relationship was doomed to fail. She was frigid, and his arms were too short to rub one out.

"And anyway we'd be no good in bed - I've done the math."

Tunnel of Temporary Infatuation

"It's always the same: We go eons without seeing each other, I think I'm finally over it, and then...WHAM! I get pulled into her orbit again!"

Blues artis's daily list

'We have irreconcilable differences -- he's a MAN!'