Break Room Gourmet Pillows

"...and as an added perk, our break room is full of stuff your wife won't let you eat."

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

"And I'm teaming that burned sausage up with a warm, flat local lager."

'The heart and eyes feel nothing, but the stomach and ears are completely infatuated.'

"I just finished your manuscript and I found the ending delicious."

'These are job perks.'

It turns out they don't go together so well,

"I feel like we are the polyester of dairy products."

'Waiter...my entrée fell over.'

'He doesn't ask for a menu... he asks for an estimate!'

'You wanted to be a wine maker in the worst way, Paul - and you've succeeded.'

"Ten Dollars?! I can't eat that." Bob was on a strict low-cost diet.

The Main Types of Cheese

Too much cilantro

'I'm sure M'lady will appreciate the mashed potatoes. Our chef uses only grass-fed single-udder butter.'

"Keep your glasses on. It will look like twice as much."

To do before Saturday...

"I forgot to take a pic of the tacos."

"Grass...Grass and more damn grass... What I wouldn't give for a lightly poached Dover sole with a garlic infused tarragon sauce."

'Why, thank you. When they started the vineyard five generations ago, I heard they were shooting for freakin' awesome.'

"The recipe said to let the chicken rest after it comes out of the oven!"

'Would you all please congatulate...'

Cheese

'Is this still America?'

'This wine is dreadful - try some.'

Holiday Supplies

"Spoiler alert! If you read the specials, you'll find out the Chef's Surprise!"

"I use broccoli rabe as a litmus test."

Recipes from The Lying Gourmet

"I'm afraid it's not cheese, it's 'cheese-like'."

"You ordered the organic, unprocessed, whole wheat spaghetti?"

'We have Vanilla, Chocolate and Strawberry on your choice of Cedar, Oak or Elm cone...'

'Cooking'

Fly Tastings: 'Notice that hint of dog fur and then let that full bodied garbage finish unfold.'

'Six different chefs in six months and they still can't make a decent broth!'