Bonus Critic Gifts

'So that's agreed then. . . in future you only accept 'grotesquely excessive bonuses' as opposed to 'unimaginably overinflated' ones!'

'Just give your bonus back, and nobody needs to get hurt.'

"Bah, I could've written a better dénouement in my sleep."

Cariactures

"I'm afraid you were drawn too big and not centered on the page."

'It's a Joan Biro.'

"Hmmm, this might just be not funny enough for The New Yorker."

'Here, we don't need a retirement plan. If you do your job as we want it, you'll directly go from your desk to hell.'

'But the good news is, I still get a big bonus.'

"I like your thinking Steve. Hiding the contract loopholes under the staples is brilliant."

'Can't you forget you were an art teacher?'

We regret to inform you that your poem, "The Ramen," does not meet our publishing needs at this time. The short, frustrating career of Edgar Allan Typoe.

Real coffee vs usual vending machine stuff

"I could do that."

'It's a demonstration by retired CEOs who refuse to give up their bonuses.'

"This computer program is very intuitive. It automatically calls me when you do something stupid."

We don't think your 12 million dollar bonus is obscene. We think it's 12 million little ways to say 'I love you.'

loan

'I think the global banking sector, drunk on years of excessive bonuses, may need a little more than your 'very angry' T-shirt to make them toe the line.'

"I think the banana looks like a mustache, or a weird smile or something. How about an apple? ... Just a suggestion."

Payroll Dept. My economic anxiety has less to do with the weak dollar than the week's dollars! (Published originally on March 14, 2008.)

'After talking to him. it's clear our only hope for a bonus this year is Santa Claus.'

"You misread the terms of your employment. Your probation period is 6 years, not 6 months."

"Apparently my writing is so bad I've been rejected by a gene editor. She said she could see the lack of talent in my DNA."

'I've got my wallet here in the left inside pocket. Now I got a bonus and bought a bigger wallet which needs more space. Would you please remove my heart?'

"Perfect! Since our company's motto is 'transparency,' make the contract's fine print light gray against white."

"Well - and I'm not just saying this because you're my husband - it stinks."

"His painting is actually better than it looks..."

'There are some subjects that are off limits...CEO bonuses...Overtime pay...Business ethics...'

"I've been too busy investing my enormous salary to be bothered running the company."

"And despite recent insinuations, this loan contract being signed by my client is perfectly legitimate."

"I call it 'You kids turn down that so-called music. I can't even hear myself scream.'"

"I'm an atheist. I don't believe in programmers."

'You're addicted to big bonuses. But the good news is there's a patch to treat that.'

'Hang on!...You don't expect me to swallow that as well!'