Body Awareness Pillows

You' ll pleased to know that I'm in complete harmony with my bowels.

'Navel'

National Everything Awareness Day

'Be honest. Does this double bacon cheeseburger with large fries and shake make me look fat?'

"I was young and cocky because I wasn't aware of my shortcomings. Now I'm old and cocky because I can't remember what they are."

Secretive Weigh In.

A small number of people are afraid of heights, but there is an epidemic fear of widths.

That party went well.

"Daddy, you have to flatten this curve."

"I'm more of a 'How Jen stays thin' person than a 'Why Jen won't let Brad alone' person."

Florida Governor, Rick Scott, cuts funding for rape victims.

'I think I just had an epiphany. How do I make it go away?'

When did you first feel like a male trapped in a female body? When I was a foetus.

wattle covers

"I like you in that one—it gives you an aura of mindfulness."

'My diet seems to be working great! Do you have any less relaxed jeans?'

'Do you have to use that? -- tongue depressors make me hungry.'

"My inner child wants to have a playdate with your inner child."

Can't even hold signs well.

"Push harder - I still can't see the scale."

'He said he wasn't good enough for me, so I married him because he's the first man to realize that.'

"That's a big fat lie!"

"Oh No!! - I'm deciduous..."

'I did have a tummy-tuck...But I opted for reconstruction surgery at the same time.'

"Damn. These must have shrunk in the wash." "I don't think so."

"Hold on, hun... I'm just saying, losing four ounces in a month is better than gaining four ounces in a month!"

Always remember...you're the best you in the world.

Aging Problems

Say balls to testicular cancer, remember to check your crown jewels regularly.

"This tiny bald spot where your hairline used to be is so-o-o cute!"

As soon as I've extinguished my ego, I'm going to take some "me" time.

"God help us, it's that guy."

Too Skinny, Too Fat

No matter what I do, I still look more like a 'before' picture than an 'after' picture.

"I can't have anything that's a food."