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'I'm telling you it was this big!' - Anglers Wives

Noah's life jacket demonstration

'We have to forfeit, Three of our players got squashed on the way over here,'

BOOKS ON VIDEO/BOOKS ON TAPE/READ YOUR OWN.

"Dad, my web toon characters can't be normal! They have to be stereotyped crazies who are totally abnormal!"

"Really, Larry? Of all the things that could have bitten you, you get a wereduck?"

"What are you trying to tell me, girl? Are you hungry? You’re not hungry? The squirrels are skinny-dipping in the pool? Cats are making a hook rug out of your bed? You dug up Jimmy Hoffa?!" "Mitch liked messing with his dog's head."

"A tornado? Uh, yeah...that's exactly what happened, Mom, a tornado did hit my room!"

'If you're worried what to say you do for a living at your reunion, just tell them you recently bought a large stake in a local brewery.'

Happy Birthday to you... Thanks guys!

"Don’t worry. You’re looking at the Frederick H. Tuttle Middle School long-jump champion."

'Sure you always catch bigger fish than me. Your arms are a foot longer than mine.'

'Bragging at the Old Physicists' & Old Writers' Home.'

'Oh yeah, well, MY DADDY can scare ELEPHANTS!'

"These are my windscreen credits."

They stole your identity, but after seeing your credit score, they gave it back.

"It'h thnowing. . .me no like thnow in thpring. . . "

"It's from the We Experience Parenthood More Fully Than You collection."

Albatross bragging about his latest catch...

The little old lady who lived in a shoe looks into a mobile home.

"When we left off last night, we were on page 15 of the National Intelligence Estimate. "

'And that's only the size of the fly.'

"Yes, I know I only caught a lizard - it's called artistic license, Mildred!"

'And he's so-o-o-o knowledgeable about wine. He must have spent an hour telling me about his trip to Chardonnary.'

'I still have all my own teeth but my head is false.'

"Mother said she started toward the light but she's so bad with directions that she made a couple wrong turns and had to turn back."

'See! I told you my dad is a boxer!'

"I shoulda' fucked every man I ever met."

Mothers. . . have no shame.

"Tell me a whopper."

"Please turn now to 'Judy's mirror' in your copy of 'Pat the Bunny.' "

Rabbit.

'It took me 7 hours to get him into the boat. Actually, it's fake, and it took me 10 minutes to buy it off the Internet.'