Blog-loving Humorist Gifts

"I should tell you this transaction is being recorded, and may appear on my blog."

'In its new 'spirit of evenhandedness,' the U. S. Government today sent troops to occupy all foreign countries....'

Trappist Monk Discord

"Hang on. Mommy's just checking to see if she's still relevant to the outside world."

'What does it say, Dad?'

"Nous somme desir-eh, go, er, allez, erm, universitaire français, s'il vous plait."

HELLth Food Sprouts

"The doctor is in court on Tuesdays and Wednesdays."

'In today's market hyperbole was up sharply. Similes and metaphors held relatively steady with euphemisms hitting another record low.'

"Would you like to see the markup?"

"...in other news: Google has been admitted to the United Stations..."

'Staffers don't report we're managing decline. They report we met our targets and did out job!'

"Actually, you do have a racist bone in your body."

"If you get married at the Grammy Awards, can your marriage be annulled at the Country Music Awards?"

Clone Factory

'It's an emergency, Doctor. The vitamin company needs an endorsement.'

Man on left - 'What do you call a public servant who spends half their time doing private work?' Man on right - 'An MP?'

'So far, all I can tell you for sure is how much I've charged you.'

"Inactivists"

Pokemon Get Lost

"Oh, just the usual here, occupying Wall Street."

"The good news is it's brightening up..."

'In my opinion, hold out for a doctor.'

"As I understand, we stop refugees making dangerous journeys to a safe countey and offer them safe passage to a dangerous one..."

Trump Tariffs

'Look, half the work is done! All you need to do is fill in the top part so we can legally say the bottom part.'

'We're really just a mom and pop store...if mom and pop had 600,000 employees.'

"I didn't say I started jogging, I said blogging."

Vocabulary Glossary for Libya

"It's time we did something about the new Healthy Menu option."

Small Government Is Here

Prescription Drugs '96.

"Facebook VP — you'll be in Circle No. 4."

BP is compensating those affected by the black tide in Gulf of Mexico...