Bedtime Traditions Gifts

And they loved happily ever after and after and after and after and after and after and after and after and after. Feline Fairy Tales.

"I can't protect you from everything, but I can read you stories that make you believe I can protect you from everything."

'Br'er Fox said 'I'm going to throw you into the briar patch'...And Br'er Rabbit said, 'Please,please don't taser me!''

Swan Fairy Tales

Late night teddy reading

"Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jack fell down, broke his crown and Jill said 'I told you so'."

'Please make us instruments of Thy peace, starting with Bucky Sims.'

Shadow Puppet Bunny Threatened By Shadow Hawk

Dog Nightmares

'Where was the TSA?'

'She's just great with the children.'

The Poky Little Pupa.

'Thou shalt not steal...except for bases.'

"Amen. . . void where prohibited by law."

'Dad's bedtime story was decent, but the special effects were non-existent.'

"Damn. I took the Rip Van Nyquil."

'Read me the one about the ant and the obsessive-compulsive grasshopper.'

Goodnight Moon for the Misbegotten

"First, I sent a rocket of a drive down the fairway, then I took the 7-iron, put that ball on the green...a hundred and eighty yards if it was an inch..."

'At lone at last.'

Now Simon would have nightmares about his mother's failing eyesight.

"So, when he says, 'What a good boy am I,' Jack is really reinforcing his self-esteem."

'Good night, Dear. Text me if you need anything.'

Ant story: 'and so they worked all day and they worked all night and then they worked some more, the end.'

"If you insist on doing all the voices, Dad. Don't you think father bear should have a deeper voice than Goldilocks?"

'Put some feeling into it. I can't tell the difference between the lion and the mouse.'

"I'm actually pretty ready for bed."

"Dad, can we have a bedtime narrative?"

"Oh, Aunt Em, it wasn't a dream. It was a place. And you and you and you ... and you were there. But not that man with the straitjacket."

"And if that diamond ring don’t shine, Poppa will probably take it back to 47th Street and get something for your mother."

This is the new Director's Cut version of Hansel and Gretel...with additional scenes and three alternative endings!!!

"The moral of the story, honey, is that being a celebrity does not make you a credible children’s book author."

The Optician At Home: "....And it didn't fit the other sister, either. Then Cinderella tried on the glasses, and she could see perfectly."

'And you're telling me this, why?'

"Customers who bought 'The Three Little Pigs' also bought...."