Bedtime Rituals Gifts

'That's all for tonight, God. Stay tuned.'

"I can't protect you from everything, but I can read you stories that make you believe I can protect you from everything."

'The first one didn't work. I need another goodnight kiss.'

'It wouldn't hurt to say a few words.'

'Remember you asked me if there was anything else I wanted before we settled down for the night? I just thought of something.'

"I love wearing a sleeper. It's like I can walk around tucked in."

"Keep your shirt on. I'll read your book as soon as I'm done reading the monster his book."

"It was Monday morning, he kept hitting the snooze button, and before he knew it, it had been twenty years."

"I think Tommy's stalling for time...He's just asked God to bless the secretary of the interior!"

A.S.A.P.'s Fables

The Optician At Home: "....And it didn't fit the other sister, either. Then Cinderella tried on the glasses, and she could see perfectly."

"This bedtime story is brought to you by your good friends at the toy shop."

'Had Howard let the dog back inside? He couldn't remember...'

Bedtime story.

"Could you read me a dog-food label before bedtime?"

"Stop fact checking my story."

Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep and with the sun if I've found death, please excuse my morning breath.

"Didn't you give watching the news before bedtime?"

"Oh, great. The bunny runs away and lives high on the hog on my tax dollars. Next!"

"Things are going well, so I may as well ask: how about those Mets? Ha-ha, just kidding. The tail. Please fix this tail thing."

"I'll probably die an old woman before I get that bedtime story."

'Br'er Fox said 'I'm going to throw you into the briar patch'...And Br'er Rabbit said, 'Please,please don't taser me!''

Swan Fairy Tales

'Where was the TSA?'

"Amen. . . void where prohibited by law."

'Dad's bedtime story was decent, but the special effects were non-existent.'

"Damn. I took the Rip Van Nyquil."

"If you insist on doing all the voices, Dad. Don't you think father bear should have a deeper voice than Goldilocks?"

'Good night, Dear. Text me if you need anything.'

Ant story: 'and so they worked all day and they worked all night and then they worked some more, the end.'

'And you're telling me this, why?'

"... And bless my dog, Penny, whose licks give me the strength to carry on."

"The moral of the story, honey, is that being a celebrity does not make you a credible children’s book author."

'I made a hundred on the Spanish test. Gracias.'

"And this little piggy went – whoa! Where is your fifth little piggy?!"