Bedtime Bloopers Gifts

"When the heck does this story start? Oh, wait—this is a cookbook."

Late night teddy reading

"If this goes badly I'm going to post it on my youtube job interview bloopers channel."

'Please make us instruments of Thy peace, starting with Bucky Sims.'

"Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jack fell down, broke his crown and Jill said 'I told you so'."

Dog Nightmares

Shadow Puppet Bunny Threatened By Shadow Hawk

'Thou shalt not steal...except for bases.'

'She's just great with the children.'

The Poky Little Pupa.

'Dad's bedtime story was decent, but the special effects were non-existent.'

"I'll be a little late. I'm working a double shift."

'Read me the one about the ant and the obsessive-compulsive grasshopper.'

"Mmmm! Bears hibernate in the winter. Cats can hibernate anytime we want!"

Now Simon would have nightmares about his mother's failing eyesight.

"So, when he says, 'What a good boy am I,' Jack is really reinforcing his self-esteem."

Ant story: 'and so they worked all day and they worked all night and then they worked some more, the end.'

'Put some feeling into it. I can't tell the difference between the lion and the mouse.'

"Good evening, Susan. We've decided it's time you get your own bed."

"I'm actually pretty ready for bed."

"Customers who bought 'The Three Little Pigs' also bought...."

"That dream catcher may be working a little too well."

"Oh,oh - here comes quality time again."

"And if that diamond ring don’t shine, Poppa will probably take it back to 47th Street and get something for your mother."

'Am I looking sad or happy in the appropriate places?'

Why don't you ever like to spoon?

"I'm sad to hear everybody lived happily ever after. That means no sequels to this story."

"She married and then divorced, and then she married and divorced, and then she married and lived happily ever after."

"When Mom reads that story, the dragon comes off as a much more sympathetic character."

"Name your sources."

'What did St. Patrick have against snakes?'

"Why did I start the story with 'Twice upon a time?' Because it's a sequel."

'Moses parted the water so the Isrealites could go across? You mean in the mud?'

I don't want a story that helps kids make sense of the world – I want a world that lets kids just enjoy a nonsense story.

',,,and they all lived happily ever after, Now close your eyes and go to sleep'