Beacon Of Lightheartedness Gifts

"I think my fat has GPS. Every time I lose some, it always finds its way back home."

"Behold the secret to happiness."

Dinner at the Trapdoors

A rabbit giving another rabbit, 'rabbit ears'.

Push for Disco...

"I got tired of 'Moby-Dick' taunting me from my bookshelf, so I put it on my Kindle and haven't thought of it since."

"And when you realized it was the wrong tree, why do you think you kept barking up it?"

"I said to make a thousand CLONES."

'Still have gas problems, Mr. Quigley?'

"I'll tell you my diagnosis if you promise not to laugh."

'He hasn't responded to training - he still insists on taking Alec to his slippers....'

"His face may be in the gutter, but his bum's looking up at the stars."

'It's funny - I'm a Bourbon, but I've always preferred Scotch.'

'What do you expect? A red bulb burned out, and you're free till Christmas.'

'It's only temporary until we can find a good home for the cats.'

A powerful tennis serve loosens the strings of a tennis racquet.

'Frankly, I don't remember why I called this meeting.'

James and Sarah had no chance of sex with antibiotic resistant gonorrhea keeping them apart

"I guess what I miss most is being drunk."

Wheels for all purposes.

The Wonder Years: "I wonder where my keys are. I wonder why I came upstairs. I wonder why my pants are down..."

'Yes, some mornings I do wake up grumpy - but only if he's oversleeping'

'My husband's lost his sex drive.'

Pigeon Breeders' Association.

"You wouldn't believe me if I told you how long it's been since he had a bowel movement."

"I wouldn't say that you're old, Dear, just way past your 'Best Before' date!"

"I'm afraid I'm kind of a klutz."

Buddists singing 'Harvey Krishna,Harvey Krishna'

'When I get the clumsies, switch me to a sippy-cup.'

'Yeah, you're probably right: She's not worth fighting over... Wanna do Heads or Tails?'

I hope I didn't hear you correctly, Lance. Actually, I hope so too, Gloria.

Old Mother Hubbard, Went to the Cupboard...'Now what did I come here for?'

"Hon, it's been more that four hours. Shouldn't we call the doctor?"

'I thought you might like to know that your butt just burned out.'

'Who's there?'