Battery Life Contemplator Gifts

"Hold on, my #!?! phone is about to die!"

Professional woman in pub

"I'm 59 and they say I'm middle aged. Just how many people do you know who are 118?"

'We cut it into teensy-weensy squares.'

"I let go of all my earthly attachments, but there's one I can't seem to shake."

'We're cutting you some slack because you just died but normally we frown on devil's food.'

"Son when I'm gone, all this will be yours!"

'What I especially like about being a philosopher-scientist is that I don't have to get my hands dirty.'

'We may think 2012 is over, but history books are full of things we thought were over.'

'He loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, who cares...'

Albert Camus.

Ken wandered home wondering what the lunar new year would bring. . . like every other man and his dog.

"Our electric car is good for Frank. It's replaced his road rage with range anxiety."

At first she didn't want to live if it meant being attached to tubes. But before you knew it, they were getting along just fine.

Tieing smoking to the stock market: 'Are you kidding! I can't quit while the market is so volatile!'

"Speed is its defining quality - hence the name 'Large' Hadron Collider."

'Have you noticed how our days are getting shorter.'

"If I were a dog I'd only be nine years old."

'Nobody takes you seriously? -- Are you trying to be funny?'

Grim Reaper helpfully offers a smoker a light.

"I've given up trying to do a cardio workout."

"My legacy? I've consistently avoided being labelled as 'compassionate' anything."

Sad Humour

I'm torn, Randy. I'm so undecided about this election. You're still undecided about the candidates? No, I'm undecided about whether to be undecided. On the one hand, it could make me seem like I'm unbiased. Like I'm not beholden to any particular ideology. Like I'm above it all. But on the other hand, it could make me look like I'm too dumb to tell the difference between things that are different. Take a couple weeks to ponder that. No rush.

Larry promised himself he wouldn't give into the pier pressure...not again.

'The one thing you have got going for you is there's no family history of longevity.'

"... And why can't I take it with me?"

'Okay, you may have had a state funeral, but who's got the easy chair?'

"According to my financial advisor, dying was a lucky break before my savings ran out."

"My parents wanted me to join the priesthood, but I didn't think I'd have the stomach for that much controversy."

'What do you mean I'm not allowed to be indifferent about the Olympics?'

"Hmmm... I've NEVER like Blue Oyster Cult..."

I don't know if I'm over the hill, but I definitely feel like I passed the point of no return.