Barfly Cynic Pillows

"I don't like hearing happy stories."

"The Supreme Court says a corporation is a 'person?' Well, have you ever tried to take a corporation out for a nice, friendly beer?"

"Gimme a lite. Bug Lite."

'Our basic package is no frills, no chew toys, no extra Kibbles, and narry a pat on the head from management...'

Barman indicates sick bucket, alongside usual ice bucket, saying to attractive woman: 'That's there in case you hear any particularly bad chat-up lines.'

"So. Are you a mime, a puppeteer, or a ventriloquist?"

"I consider myself a passionate man, but, of course, a lawyer first."

"Well, at least I'm embracing my feminine side!"

"I may not be in for a while, Eddie. My wife and I have decided to normalize relations."

Obama builds own gallows.

'Sorry, folks - no drinking at the bar - video poker only.'

"I don't love you anymore. Let's just be friends."

"My idea of an agreeable person is one who agrees with me."

Bartender: 'Rough day, huh?'Man: 'I'll say. My ex-wife just sued the pants off me.'

"It's O.K., I've got his car keys."

"I don't know if I've mentioned this before, Greg, but you are a very attractive man."

"I'm living proof that life begins at forty-three."

"What's so funny about two monkeys in a bar?"

"I have no head for show business."

"One can only hope this is the raw stuff of art."

"I've spent the last 6 months teaching myself escapology."

"Oh, the usual bills and a friendly reminder from Satan that there's a special place in Hell reserved just for us, but only if we ACT NOW, blah, blah, blah."

'. . . Sorry guys, we've stopped serving - have you come far?'

'If the opposite sex insisted on devouring YOUR head and laying thousands of eggs in YOUR carcass, then perhaps celibacy wouldn't seem like such an unreasonable lifestyle option!'

"Anyone here a 'worthless, no-good drunken bum'?"

If Kitschy Film Dialogues Were Really Realistic. . .

'Same old line - his smartphone doesn't understand him.'

"Cut me off when I start to sway."

Thank you for not engaging in pointless debates.

"That wasn't very funny!"

I drink to forget... which can take for-freakin'-ever when you're an elephant!'

"The reason I couldn't make it as a lawyer is I couldn't pass a bar."

'I cut the grass once, but it grew again.'

"My wife says I'm incapable of forming an opinion of my very own. You've known me for years, Al. What do you think?"