Barfly Cynic Gifts

"I don't like hearing happy stories."

"The Supreme Court says a corporation is a 'person?' Well, have you ever tried to take a corporation out for a nice, friendly beer?"

"Gimme a lite. Bug Lite."

'Our basic package is no frills, no chew toys, no extra Kibbles, and narry a pat on the head from management...'

And they lived happily ever after for a few years until the quirks they found so cute in each other when they were dating eventually drove them both insane the end.

Barman indicates sick bucket, alongside usual ice bucket, saying to attractive woman: 'That's there in case you hear any particularly bad chat-up lines.'

"I consider myself a passionate man, but, of course, a lawyer first."

"So. Are you a mime, a puppeteer, or a ventriloquist?"

"Well, at least I'm embracing my feminine side!"

"I may not be in for a while, Eddie. My wife and I have decided to normalize relations."

"I don't love you anymore. Let's just be friends."

'Sorry, folks - no drinking at the bar - video poker only.'

Obama builds own gallows.

"My idea of an agreeable person is one who agrees with me."

Bartender: 'Rough day, huh?'Man: 'I'll say. My ex-wife just sued the pants off me.'

"One can only hope this is the raw stuff of art."

"What's so funny about two monkeys in a bar?"

"I'm living proof that life begins at forty-three."

Defend the Cult of Militant Nonviolence!

"It's O.K., I've got his car keys."

"Oh, the usual bills and a friendly reminder from Satan that there's a special place in Hell reserved just for us, but only if we ACT NOW, blah, blah, blah."

"I don't know if I've mentioned this before, Greg, but you are a very attractive man."

"I have no head for show business."

"I've spent the last 6 months teaching myself escapology."

'If the opposite sex insisted on devouring YOUR head and laying thousands of eggs in YOUR carcass, then perhaps celibacy wouldn't seem like such an unreasonable lifestyle option!'

'. . . Sorry guys, we've stopped serving - have you come far?'

"Anyone here a 'worthless, no-good drunken bum'?"

"That wasn't very funny!"

"Cut me off when I start to sway."

Thank you for not engaging in pointless debates.

'Same old line - his smartphone doesn't understand him.'

If Kitschy Film Dialogues Were Really Realistic. . .

I drink to forget... which can take for-freakin'-ever when you're an elephant!'

"The reason I couldn't make it as a lawyer is I couldn't pass a bar."

'I cut the grass once, but it grew again.'