Barfly Philosopher Pillows

'I cut the grass once, but it grew again.'

'If the opposite sex insisted on devouring YOUR head and laying thousands of eggs in YOUR carcass, then perhaps celibacy wouldn't seem like such an unreasonable lifestyle option!'

"Well, at least I'm embracing my feminine side!"

"The Supreme Court says a corporation is a 'person?' Well, have you ever tried to take a corporation out for a nice, friendly beer?"

"I may not be in for a while, Eddie. My wife and I have decided to normalize relations."

"I'm living proof that life begins at forty-three."

"I have no head for show business."

"That wasn't very funny!"

Bartender: 'Rough day, huh?'Man: 'I'll say. My ex-wife just sued the pants off me.'

"My idea of an agreeable person is one who agrees with me."

"My wife says I'm incapable of forming an opinion of my very own. You've known me for years, Al. What do you think?"

"Think of it as twenty one in human years. I'll take a bourbon and toilet water."

"I think I speak for my entire generation when I say, 'Yes, I will have another drink.' "

"An everything Martini, please."

'We only serve menacing drunks here Sir, not small insignificant ones.'

'You shouldn't knock them back so quickly.'

"... And to this day, she still blames the dog!"

'Crushing empty beer cans is for wimps.'

Pretty girls listen patiently. They know you'll soon get tongue-tied and won't be able to talk anymore.

"Stranger, you're sitting in the boss's personal spot. That's why they moved the dart board over your head."

Andy Oxidant meets Free Radical.

Adam and Eve toast next to a serpent bartender.

"I forget to drink."

Fleeting illusions of happiness hour 5-7

"If it's my pride, I'm not here"

"I don't suppose you get many sovereign rulers in here anymore?"

'Fried chickens.'

"You seem dangerous. I like that."

'I'm 3 years old - that's 21 dog years - so start pouring!'

"This cheap can of domestic beer has a bouquet reminiscent of...beer."

'No Fred, this one is one me!'

'Joe has been partying hard!'

"I got tired of wearing a hat."

"Catnip for everyone."

Those Senior Moments: 'Tell me something - do I come here often?'