Bar Staff Pillows

'What are you grinning at? It's only 5.30.'

"Do you take dark money?"

'We only serve menacing drunks here Sir, not small insignificant ones.'

'Can't you read?'

What makes you think you'd make a good bouncer?

"Oh him, that's Ron. He's a permanent fixture in here."

'Can't get through?... you've been eating too many crisps, Doreen!'

Bar: Now serving 24 hours - 'I want to get as wasted as you look.'

'Don't worry, if you get too drunk, I'll cut you off.'

Fix me a drink that makes me feel like a million dollars for under five bucks.

Bar - Now serving 24 Hours - Customer to bar man - 'I want to get as wasted as you look'.

The Ventriloquist's Arms

Visual joke: Bar lady appears to have large breasts but doesn't.

'Have you got proof of gender?'

"Blowing the whistle is perfect for a sports bar to let its patrons know that Happy Hour is over."

"Generally speaking, when his nose gives way, it means he's had enough."

"We never yell 'shots on the house' anymore.2

'We are now entering sombre hour, happy hour has finished.'

Sadie hated Sunday lunchtimes.

I'm earlier than usual this evening due to an elevated level of chatter at home.

24 hour bar with exhausted member of staff - 'Time now please!!'

'Sorry, sir - Bloody Mary is out. How about Sheila, she's a bloody idiot!'

Tip responsibly

A man with fly-paper wrapped around his hat.

"From the gentleman at the end of the bar. Again."

"Hey, you gotta put that away- this is a laptopless bar."

"I prefer the cheap stuff."

"I'm sorry, ladies, was this man bothering you?"

"Stephen and I are today's special."

Counting ribs

"Even the waiters here are organic."

'‘Because I said so' or ‘Just wait until you have kids of your own' section?'

'Well, gotta get up early and start drinking again.'

"You owe me five bucks."

'I started out washing dishes, but when the dishwater tasted better than the soup...'