Bar Mitzvah Planner T-Shirts

"My parents want me to have a bar mitzvah in Israel, but I'd rather have it in Yankee Stadium."

Santa Claus's Mail

"Ahhh....I think that was a flying fuck."

Margarita

"He wanted a heavily decorated cake for his birthday."

'My secret? Stay away from Halloween candy.'

Conference Pears

Cinéma Vérité

North Pole twinned with Amazon

"I'm trying to gain 10 pounds before midnight so I can keep my resolution to lose 10 pounds next year."

'Our guest tonight certainly needs no introduction.'

Meetings and Conventions - Warfare

The Amazing Mr Sausage

Magazines layout Christmas issues months in advance so a woe of cartoonists is struggling to draw Christmas gags in the July heat.

'Well, this is definitely the last time I shake a bottle of Champagne before opening it.'

'My dress is thirteen years old today!'

"Now that everyone's in...how do we get the food?"

'It's the LAST time I volunteer to organise the staff Christmas meal, I've spent three days trying to find a 'traditional' lacto-vegan Christmas menu.'

Biodegradable helium balloons.

"As your CPA, I would recommend you count the number of eggs before you hide them."

Because of bad weather and lots of people moving slowly on the path, it took forever to get here! Everybody was picking up a pumpkin on Wednesday. There was a huge crowd and long lines at the pumpkin patch. My brother and I can't be seated together today. We'd argue and disagree about who should run the village council. After this huge meal nobody's gonna want to stick around and clean up this mess! If they're still having this celebration centuries from now, I'm sure they'll have worked i

'Yes, I think you better had ask Santa for it. Because there's no way I could afford to buy it.'

'You add the girl after baking.'

"Jenkins, I think you'll find the 'Any Other Business' section at the end of the agenda."

'Sure, I'll take a meeting - but only if you've been very, very good,'

'They call them gifts, but they make you pay for them.'

"One man's dirty water is another man's Earl Grey."

"Get me my gun. I want to squeeze off a few last rounds."

Santa School.

"Perhaps we should have postponed our downsizing operation until after the Xmas party."

Florist.

'You're laying down that bottle for when Rich graduates from college? Don't you ever want to drink it?'

"I do hope you're here for the circumcision."

Peace Negotiator now available for Weddings, Funerals, Christenings, Barmitzvah

"Wow, the literary life is exhausting! Just when I finish 'What I Did On My Summer Vacation,' I need to begin my 'What I Want For Christmas' list!"