Bar Fly Pillows

"Please, John, not the cheap Scotch. My body is a temple."

"I don't want stock options. I want you to pay your tab."

'I pick fights when I get drunk.'

"We can't go back to my place the cops are digging up the basement."

"Do you take dark money?"

'I like tennis - I've always been into mixed doubles.'

'The gentleman at the end of the bar would like to buy you an aphrodisiac.'

"You had me at hell..."

'My wife thinks I'm stuck in the lint catcher.'

'When you're through with your tequila, can I have the worm?'

'Ah, Dr. Mecklenburg, noted research scientist, we meet again.'

'I could really use a stiff belt.'

'Of course not, my dear -- I'm sober as a judge!'

Beer $.50. I've had lot of psychological therapy, but none of it seems to help. Maybe you

"You have a beautiful smile. It would look great in a glass of water next to my bed."

"Remember, if I'm ever on life support unplug me... then plug me back in. See if that works."

"I drink to forget."

First Bar of Spring

"This bartender really pours a lousy head."

"I'm floating in pure vodka; feel free to dip your glass in if you'd like."

Professional Drinker. Closed course. Do not attempt.

"Everything has been done to death."

"Nevermind that; just get me a beer."

"I had a low birth weight but a high birthright."

"Domestication has seemed to completely pass him by."

"Women never go for a wunderkind. They always want the 'enfant terrible'."

"His drink, the nut bowl and his bank account are all empty."

"I just realized you're my entire entourage."

"He's sweet but he's a registered gun nut."

"... and then she had the nerve to play the ‘you keep cheating on me’ card."

"Take my advice, pal. Drink up and get out of here."

"Well, so much for happy hour."

"My alcohol intake has more than doubled over the last four years, and the President has done precious little to prevent it."

"I don't know—my gut tells me I should have another beer."

"Hey! Are you wearing a wedding ring?"