Band Performer Gifts

"My doctor advised me to give up the drums....he lives in the flat below me."

"This is a lovely old song that tells of a young woman who leaves her cottage, and goes off to work. She arrives at her destination, and places some solid NHHS in a flask containing 0.50 atm ofammonia, and attempts to determine the pressures of ammonia and hydrogen sulide when equilibrium is reached."

They hated me.

Showbiz Awards

"If I might be serious for a moment..."

"Aristophanes explains comedy"

"God, I hope no one asks me to sing."

Open mike night presents Sadie Cohen. Summer's almost over

"Samson was the best actor in the bible - he brought the house down!"

"Extreme miming"

Pirate

"After the show, I'll be autographing any computer or phone screens where my albums are streamed."

"We're following Carrot Top."

"Welcome to Off-Off-Off Broadway."

"This next one is called 'The Sermon on the Mount.'"

"I had a fear of speaking in front of people, which is why I shadow puppet and sing the lessons."

"I wrote this next song about my cat. It's called 'Please stop rubbing your face against my computer screen when I'm trying to watch Narcos.'"

"And this song goes out there to any girl who might consider sleeping with me."

"Smile when you say that, pardner."

Cow Show Tunes

"An actor, you say? Guess you caught the acting-like-a-waiter bug."

George Michael

'I guess it's not much consolation but I thought your impersonation of the King was a riot.'

'Oh, it's a long, long time...From here to November...'

Fish, singing: 'I'm a sole man..'

"I'm the only sane artist in the world."

"And now, for your entertainment, I will drink a glass of water while Rempert, here, remains eerily silent."

"This next one is my own quirky rendition of Berlioz's 'Symphonie Fantastique,' Movement 5, 'Dream of a Witches' Sabbath.'"

Tuning Up for the Air Guitar Competition

Jack Gleeson

'What? You ate the gateau instead of throwing it into my face?? You insensitive, egotistical brute! You don't love me anymore!'

Emily Dickinson: Mime - "I think she's saying something about death."

"Bravo!"

This next song goes out to the girl who stole my heart and my guitar.

"I can't believe he brought her."