Ballad Writer Pillows

"This is my new country song I wrote about my self-driving truck leaving me..."

"Think of it as buying in – not selling out."

"After the show, I'll be autographing any computer or phone screens where my albums are streamed."

"I wrote this next song about my cat. It's called 'Please stop rubbing your face against my computer screen when I'm trying to watch Narcos.'"

"Babe, I'm gonna leave you... It may take a few eons, but I am definitely gonna leave you..."

"Woke up this morning, someone had nicked my guitar..."

"That is an outrageous slur."

"That's it, Tom. Here they come. Just keep playing 'Freebird.'"

'As I walk through the halls, I see teachers teaching and students learning and I say to myself, 'what wonderful school, what a wonderful world.''

"How about we write a song combining Brexit with unrequited love?"

Bryan Ferry

"I've got those 'Don't worry about me, I'll just be here, all alone' blues."

"Thank you! That last tune took some fancy fingerpickin'. Apologies to those in the front who may have gotten a press - on nail or two in their drink."

"I can neither confirm nor deny what this next song is about."

"This next one's called 'Song for Me'."

Bashful in Nashville

"This next song is just a song. Try not to read anything into it."

'He's working on a lullaby.'

The Work-from-Home-Polka

'I can't write cheating songs because my wife's too insecure.'

Joe Henry

'My love is like a red red rose...'

"I always thought love made the world go round."

"If you get married at the Grammy Awards, can your marriage be annulled at the Country Music Awards?"

Modern Life Blues