Bad Lie Aficionado Pillows

'Replace divots'

"Why do they do that?"

What's normal?

"What are you looking at, four eyes?"

"Why is there so much emphasis put on our stupid race?" "I think people are more interested in it as a metaphor than as an actual race." "Slow and steady wins the race, that sort of thing." "That would explain why I always lose..." "Bartender, another please." "Maybe you should slow down." "You never learn do you?"

"I lost my taste for his homework when it came burned on a CD."

'I know how much you like holding hands, so I brought you a box of them..'

My other car has a bumper sticker that says this on it too.

'I'm wrapping it tightly to keep the ankle from swelling.'

Donald Trump Tells a Joke...

Once upon a time and a half. Buick and the Beast.

What's your thumb doing on my steak? Want me to drop it again?

"What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!"

"Good lord, Billingsworth. You've stumbled onto the legendary Lepidopterist Graveyard."

'I have the result of your cost-benefit analysis. You should have retired four years ago.'

'You have bullseye rash. take this medicine twice a day and stay away from dart games.'

'I'd like to return this shredder.'

"Congratulations! You've told the same joke one thousand times!"

'You dirty, snivelling, low down, arrogant son of a gin-swilling kleptomaniac.'

"You had me at hell."

'I thought it was your figure you were supposed to be watching !'

'Evolution may be a good idea, but how will we FUND it?'

What could have been quite possibly the most hilarious dog joke ever is interrupted by. . . 'So I said, that's no bone, that's my. . . squirrel!'

'Oh, now that's a nice vase...'

Another reason why a high school diploma is not enough.

Today, we'll talk with Professor Ernie about some lesser known units of measurement. Let's start with the "light-year." A 'light-year" is a unit of time measuring how long somebody stays on their diet. In most cases, it's counted in small fractions. No, a light year is a unit of length equal to the distance light travels in a year, about six trillion miles. What about the "angstrom"? The "angstrom" is a measurement of anxiety levels! Incorrect again. It's another unit of length --- It's

Kisses--Sniff Your A-hole.

"So, I said to the lion, 'You want proof laughter ensures emotional health?... Ever seen a hyena in therapy?!'"

"Don't mess with that guy. He's a real hardwood."

Clown in supermarket looking at a tin of Canned Laughter.

School of hard knocks: Mail box 'Knock-knock jokes'

"I think it is most admirable," said Alice, "that you gave up a thriving law practice to be with this lovely child."

"Remove your shoes and socks. We ran out of laughing gas"

Lost to antiquity.

'You're not making it any easier for either one of us.'