Backup Singer Gifts

Can't afford to pay my backup singers.

Shepherd and eurydice

"This is a lovely old song that tells of a young woman who leaves her cottage, and goes off to work. She arrives at her destination, and places some solid NHHS in a flask containing 0.50 atm ofammonia, and attempts to determine the pressures of ammonia and hydrogen sulide when equilibrium is reached."

Showbiz Awards

Demure lady with gloves

'It's good - but it's not digital quality.'

Smart Ass - Wise Ass

Lennon and McCartney.

"God, I hope no one asks me to sing."

Tut and Carmen.

Unforgettable, that's what you are... Gnat King Cole

Omara Portuondo

Papageno from The Magic Flute

"After the show, I'll be autographing any computer or phone screens where my albums are streamed."

Women's Bonnets Block the Audience View

Anna Calvi

A Fairytale Update

EWE 2.

Owing to a clerical error, Luciano Pavarotti receives kudus instead of kudos for his performance as the Duke of Mantua.

George Michael

"Woke up this morning, someone had nicked my guitar..."

"Michael, your father and I are worried that you're awfully young to be singing the blues."

Daughters on the beach

Red Letter Days - A declaration of love in public

"Babe, I'm gonna leave you... It may take a few eons, but I am definitely gonna leave you..."

Fish, singing: 'I'm a sole man..'

"That is an outrageous slur."

Cut out and keep your own Frank Sinatra.

Girl Band, "I wish you'd tell your mum we don't need her in the group!"

"I remember him before he was getting hte winter fuel allowance."

'She sounds like your mother when you told her that you were going to marry me.'

This next song goes out to the girl who stole my heart and my guitar.

"That's it, Tom. Here they come. Just keep playing 'Freebird.'"

Michael Jackson

'You do a passable Jerry Lewis, but your Frank Sinatra stinks.'