Back Talk Expert Pillows

'Do I have anything to say before you pass sentence? Yes, but you go first. My remarks depend on what the sentence is.'

Very Difficult Conversations

"Why don't you come get me? Oh that's right, you aren't allowed on the couch!"

'Of course I'm out of touch with reality. That's what I came here for.'

"How to talk to people" "Make them rue the day"

"Hello darling, what do you do for a living?"

"Remember, I want to hear fifteen solid minutes of small talk before you ask for the Wi-Fi password."

"You do realise that this position is only for the assistant bootlicker to the CEO?"

'Don't you think you've had enough?'

"I enjoy being old - my health always gives me something to talk about!"

"Ya know, boys and girls studying alone like this is strictly forbidden in Iran."

'The divorce was ugly, but not as ugly as the marriage.'

'I wish i could think of some way to get away form him.' 'I wish i could think of some way to get away form her.'

"Try a new tactic, punch back."

"It's the drink talking"

When mimes make an appointment...

"So Marty, how's business these days?" "Great. I've just sold my homing pigeon for the 34th time."

Beer companies merge.

"Be patient with Ed. You can skip his political harangue in 15 seconds and move right onto sports."

"But can you afford two tickets to Africa?"

'With me and Dave it was definitely love at first sight. How about you two?'

'Have we met someplace? Yes, that's why I quit going there.'

Less than Ultimate Fighting.

"Lovely weather for it."

"Actually, I don't consider myself to be a have or a have-not. I'm more of a have-to-have."

"We'll get him to talk."

Small Talk Therapy

'When a caller asks for me, I'd appreciate it if you'd stop saying 'who'?'

"I've got a patient who needs to chat to someone...Have you got anyone who's completed the 'verbal communications with patients in personal, supportive but not disempowering course?"

'What are you doing at the weekend?'

"Take your pick—those people are talking schools. Next to them is real estate, and over by the stairs is money."

'If I didn't have me to talk to, I think I'd go nuts.'

What we talk about when we talk about the weather

'Why did God create alcohohol?'