Axiom Analyst Pillows

'Half an optimist is an odd bird, Sarah.'

"Here's your hourly job performance review."

"No wonder I'm getting feedback!"

"Actually, that old axiom was based on faulty mathematics! I discovered that when you correct this ration, two wrongs DO make a right!"

I think I can...

The Human Condition

"I totally meant to do that."

Andrew Marr

This is Mr Smith from Big Data Mining. He says he's found an insight.

'Some things are better left unsaid but I never know what they are until after I've said them.'

"Numerous complaints have led school officials to investigate this popular teacher for encouraging students to pursue degrees in the humanities."

"Of course trees can walk. We're just lazy."

'Always tell the truth, even if you do have to lie to do it.'

The Relentlessly Jovial & Obnoxious Sales-People.

"Oh no! It's foot 'n' mouth season again."

"Have you ever considered putting all your icky thoughts in a little box and keeping them there?"

Land Sale

"Cursed To Live In HowdyTown."

'Professor Wilkins obviously doesn't understand my creative side.'

CONSPIRACY, INC: 'Right now we're looking for the cryptic message in E.I.E.I. O.'

'Don't be too impressed -- he got it for surrendering.'

"Are there any careers where I won't get replaced by an app?"

Financial Crises.

". . . and at your age, it wouldn't hurt to go see the blacksmith a little more regularly, too."

"You could add 'Men who say "Ciao!" who are not even Italian or of Italian descent' to that list."

'My advice, Francis, is to cut the 'Oh say can you see...' part and just go with the last three stanzas.'

'The 10 Habits of Highly Annoying People'

Child does not realize the water is from a 'Cooling Pond'.

"Education secretary Betsy Devos who's family's fortune is derived from 'Amway'..."

Alistair Darling- before and after Northern Rock.

"What goes around comes around more annoying."

Violence in television