Awkwardly Amused Pillows

'I tried to finish with him over a month ago, but he just won't take the hint.'

"What do you recommend for someone being tried in absentia?"

"And this song goes out there to any girl who might consider sleeping with me."

You don't need to believe EVERYTHING you are told.

'It's a shame you didn't get to use all those little blue pills before Ted died.'

"Mum, please jump up and down . . . I feel like a milkshake."

Today I am trying to grow a bit of beard...

Conclave.

SEX EDUCATION, 'It's a crazy idea, but it just might work.'

Who are you?

'How much for you to do my tax return?'

'I seem to be very conservative but secretly, I'm a rebel - I don't wear pants.'

"Welcome back, Mr. Bigley. Some messages came in for you while you were dead."

"It's not you, Glen—it's your ex-wife. She's behind me, isn't she?"

'I hope you'll excuse the pajamas. They save time when people leave.'

Turtle chick.

Lenny, the Fifth Wheel of the Apocalypse

"Hands up!"

'If there is an unlimited supply of something....mortality is that it make our time finite....I think I'll poop on this guy's head.'

"First the good news - I found my Rolex from your last operation."

"Well, time to do what we came here to do...our homework."

"Unexpected Spanish Inquisition in bagging area ..."

"So, do you come nowhere often?"

Things you don't want to hear on a blind date.

Develop Your Social Skills: Try asking about something someone just said....

The muse for letters to the editor.

'I've found this lump on my testicle, would you like to have a look?'

'It's never an easy decision, but if you're looking for something economical, why don't you take a look at out value menu-er...Value model?'

Cheese maker

Click bait for cats

King Cow

'I really hate it when the boss gets all motivational, and when he wears a thong!'

'Oh wow, Gary Player, shake my hand,'

"And this is where my late husband died of loneliness."

'You'll ruin that palm if you keep on!'