Laughs At Awkwardness Pillows

'How much for you to do my tax return?'

"I think I'm having pre-traumatic stress disorder."

"Tom, I’d like you to meet Chris. Chris is better than you."

'I think it's damn unprofessional for a dermatologist to scream 'Yikes' like that.'

"I think I've fixed the intercom. Just remember to speak into the ceiling fan when the doorbell rings."

'You were right, you are in the placebo group.'

'Well this is awkward.'

"Marlowe filled the crooked gumshoe full of lead. He watched the smoke from his .38 coil in the air as he… mommy’s behind me, isn’t she?"

When a teen finds out his parents are volunteering in the youth group.

'I know I said you could take me home but I didn't mean to your place!'

'You're trying to find yourself? -- No offense, but if I were you, I'd look for somebody ELSE.'

"I wear it whenever I sack someone, I think it makes it less traumatic."

"Gee, I hate gatherings like these! I never know the right thing to say..."

'I don't care how educationally beneficial you guys may thing it is, I am not showing you the girl's video. That's what google's for.'

'Don't you hate people who blatantly use office parties to network?'

Shy Man at Party

"It's not you, Glen—it's your ex-wife. She's behind me, isn't she?"

'Your mother is not a good loser is she?'

"We're going to be late for the awkwardly standing around."

Lenny, the Fifth Wheel of the Apocalypse

"I didn't see anything! I swear!"

'Happy Valentine's Day!'

'I'll have to reschedule your appointment -- the doctor had an attack of squeamishness.'

"Having received your offer of friendship, and after due consideration and given the fact that I don't know you from a bar of soap, I must inform you that I will be declining your request."

"A word of advice. . . next time you use the firm's intranet to send a message of undying love. Don't press 'send all'."

The Land of the Uncomfortable Pause

"Damn it, when things were going well there was nothing but eye contact."

Group therapy for the socially retarded.

"So you turned off the power, huh?"

'Have a nice day! See you later!'

'I'm from the exterminators, here to kill moths...Those devils, it's worse than I thought.'

"You were a schlub in all of your previous lives, too."

'I've found this lump on my testicle, would you like to have a look?'

'Hello, Sylvia! I didn't expect to see you again so soon.'

'I'd like to try some coffins.' - 'Let me show you our standard size.' - 'It feels a bit tight around the waist.' - 'How are you looking to die?' - 'I don't know, really.' - 'I'd recommend a wasting disease.' -