Awkward Humor Aficionados Pillows

"You wrote asking for a sex manual?"

"And this song goes out there to any girl who might consider sleeping with me."

'It's a shame you didn't get to use all those little blue pills before Ted died.'

"It's okay. I love hopping in bags!"

"What are you talking about? We don’t even have a toilet seat!"

Monster Clown

'Upon further review, the pig did not have control of the ball prior to being eaten...'

'If only you could do this with a cow once in a week, we'd save a lot of money for the food delivery service, Rupert!'

Today I am trying to grow a bit of beard...

"Sorry, Jeff. This just isn't working as I'd hoped."

SEX EDUCATION, 'It's a crazy idea, but it just might work.'

"Whoever said there ain't no such thing as a free lunch obviously has never circled around a highway."

Cow Pat Planning

A man shoots his head at a basketball hoop.

'I hope you'll excuse the pajamas. They save time when people leave.'

"I told you not to order the Zamboni."

"There's the evidence of our mouse problem!"

"They're only dummy home security signs, but I've sharped the edges so they'll cut you like a razor."

The crown

"It's not you, Glen—it's your ex-wife. She's behind me, isn't she?"

'...and before we ask the $100,000 question, we've enclosed Carl in our sealed soundproof booth.'

'It was my late grandmother's. She would've wanted you to have it.'

"You forget sometimes how much football owes to the dance."

'This is just a routine check, sir -- are you a turtle?'

The one thing that drives elephants wild is sickeningly sweet elevator music.

'This one here would probably be best for you; It prefers partial shade, needs little water and grows best in esoteric single-panel cartoons.'

Hospital Food

'I'm still pretty unwell, I'm not sure if I'll be in the office tomorrow.'

Village People Auditions.

'How long shall we wait until we start eating each other?'

"Whoa whoa whoa, I haven't even told you my safe word yet!"

'We can mail these thank you cards now that I've forged your name.'

'I'm addicted to being against drugs!'

"It's just not the same."

Things you don't want to hear on a blind date.