Award Winner Wannabe T-Shirts

'Thank you. Do you mind if I spray it about like they do on tv?'

'Most of all, I'd like to thank god. . .'

'Do you think, perhaps, that we could start shooting for a few longer-term goals around here?'

Director/Action Man toy.

Reese Witherspoon

Zorro as a child.

A smiling man leaning on large piggy bank.

"Next, I'd like to play 'Guantanamera.'"

"It all started when I didn't grow up in a palatial estate."

Runs-With-Scissors Boy - Part One

'The 'most improved player of the year award' or the 'you don't suck as much as you did last year award' goes to...'

As Seen On TV

"I'll bet Miss Parker gets teacher of the year for this."

'I could have been the next Neil Young, but my ol' man made me take singing lessons.'

'I think winning that last hand went to Bob's head, because he now has an entourage.'

Producer, Director, Egomaniac Chairs.

'I don't see how you can put your profession as TV star just because you were in the crowd of Match of the Day!'

'It's not just that he plays games all the time, it's the games he plays. He's not playing 'Guitar Hero,' he's playing 'Guitar Sidekick''.

The great bespeak for Miss Snevellicci

'I don't mind playing dead...but what I'd really like to do is direct.'

Pony Director

The Don't-Quit-Your-Day-Job Comedic Revue

Everyone in Tinseltown deserves 15 minutes of obscurity.

"There comes a time, Little Buddy, when you have to just accept that you'll never be famous....that your life will never be adapted for television and that when you die, only five or six people will truly care."

'Nothing from the Nobel Committee or the National Endowment for the Arts, but 'Joe' wants you to write some napkins for his bar.'

Your Ticket to Fame and Fortune...sold out.

In-law country

"Did you just say Michael Pollan? Oh my god, I love Michael Pollan!"

'Selma never had a lesson in her life. She picked up all that noise on her own.'

"Tell me sire. How long have you had these delusions of grandeur?"

'Nothing from the Nobel Committee or the National Endowment for the Arts, but 'Joe' wants you to write some napkins for his bar.'

'Don't they ever go down with their ruddy gondolas?'

Jenny has a mid-lithe crisis.

Quentin Quangotino

Businessman of the Year Awards.