Award Show Host Pillows

'And the winner of the Nobel prize for nepotism is...Alfred Nobel the third!'

"For the best picture not having won anything thereby being eliminated from this category..."

Showbiz Awards

'It's one of Larry King's earliest shows.'

Buisnessman Of The Hour - I'd like to introduce our guest but he is 45 minutes late

"To save time, I'll just mention the people I’m not thanking."

Adam and Eve on a Talk Show

"Britain's Got Talent is now in its tenth astonishingly brilliant year!"

"I'm Lester Holt, and this, is date night."

'... and the winner for 'The Noisiest Picture of the Year' is...'

Coming up: Bush and Kerry will debate on 'saturday night live'...and whoever gets the most laughs will be the winner.'

'For the actress who benefitted most by rehab...'

"Hang in there everyone—we promise a cute animal story at the end."

TV chef sets the TV on fire.

"So that's where you were last night."

'We'll have to end it there, I'm sorry - we're running out of time.'

Astrological forecasts of the rich and famous

"... And in Canada today ... nothing happened."

"Ladies and gentlemen, I simply can't believe that I've won this award. I keep wanting to pinch myself."

'I'm not sure how you managed to burn a bowl of cereal.'

TV SALES, 'Will the violence chip block out Glenn Beck?'

May I have the envelope, please?

Giving an Oscar to an animal actor would put the academy awards into context.

Employee of the month...

"I'd like to thank my mum..."

"What time is it?" "Half past World Cup."

'I think it's really tacky to make the salesperson of the month someone from another firm.'

"I'm sorry, could you repeat that? I neglected to talk over you."

'And the winner of the 'biggest loser in love' category is...'

Actors getting married. 'Best supporting man'

"So I play this guy named Stan Snorkel who finds a big, gray poodle..."

How's my Jiving?

"And for all of us here at the six-o'clock news—and don't forget we'll be appearing Saturday night at Mr. Fun—make it a good one!"

"Well, now we know what Letterman's doing, what are we doing?"

Oscars