Avid Shopper Gifts

Going Out of Business Sale

Sale on the same stuff as last week.

'Look! The new long awaited, highly anticipated but ultimately disappointing novel by that guy you like.'

'She's so put together!'

"I think I've found the most comfy jeans."

'These fit just right. Do you have anything too tight?'

"That's odd. I visited an antibacterial soap website, and my computer got a virus."

Dickens & Tolstoy Walk into a Bar: " . . . so, to make a short story long . . . "

Beware of the crafty Kia bird of New Zealand.

"Sorry sir - the self-propelling pencils have all just walked out..."

'This is too small. Get me a 12...How many times?! I'm a 10 or a 12 on top and a 12 or 14 on the bottom depending on the shop, the cut of the fabric, the ambient air temperature, and the rotation of Pluto...and we always try the 10 first capiche?'

'I love it here. It really floats my boat.'

Old Lady in shoe driving a footie (sock) car.

"Gifted class, indeed! One is gifted in science, but can't rad - one is fixed in reading, but won't even try math..."

"Mrs. Berg calls my book report a finely crafted debut and she looks forward to my next effort."

"Barb's such a fast reader."

"Are you looking to accentuate or camouflage?"

'They've certainly got designs on your purse!'

"Everything's gone up."

"Amazing! It's the season of me!"

"Perhaps a cozy scarf to go with the hat?"

Gracious, child...bubbling cauldrons of potions are old hat. I get mine over the internet, delivered frozen and ready for the microwave!

"Did you ask for the large print edition?"

'She's on the trail of a pair of Jimmy Choo's.'

We Never Look at Prices Shop.

Death comes to both the Archbishop and the Salesman in Venice

Self-Improvement, Self-Empowerment, Self-Aggrandizement

"I often think of the 'Hereafter'. When I'm shopping I'm always asking myself 'What am I here after?'"

'Do you have any relaxed fit jeans that aren't quite so relaxed?'

'I went to see a personal shopper this afternoon. . . I thought I'd surprise you!'

Dog Training. Most of the choices the dogs made for their book reports are logical. The labrador retriever chose "Catch-22." The terrier, who loves to dig, chose "Journey to the Center of the Earth." The basset hound is doing his on "The Howling." and the shar-pei picked "A Wrinkle in Time." But the dachshund's choice confuses me. Even with the ground-hugging physique, he selected "Wuthering Heights."

TV vs Reading

Fashion Mistake.

'Go and fish Darling, I'll be fine: I have some reading for the next few weeks...'

"It looked different on the internet."