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The First autobiography: 'I'm afraid, sire, if you want a biography, you'll have to write it yourself!'

'I didn't dedicate my book, A Lifetime of Wine Tasting, to my 3 ex-wives and nine kids, because they made it possible. I did it because they made it necessary.'

'Look! The new long awaited, highly anticipated but ultimately disappointing novel by that guy you like.'

"Tracey, this is Gene. He also read the Nancy Reagan book in unbound galleys."

Meet the author - celebrity autobiographies,

Sign in a bookshop window offers chance to meet the narrator of the audio book.

Tequila Mockingbird

Toys were me: lessons learned never growing up

Thomas Keneally

BOOKS ON VIDEO/BOOKS ON TAPE/READ YOUR OWN.

'It's Dick Cheney's biography.'

'And I say he makes us look bad when he rides around listening to those books.'

"It was only when I started to write the story of my life that I realised I'd forgotten to have one."

"I think you left something of your resumé... writer of fiction!"

Woman at bookshop counter says: 'The Political Memoirs Wing is through there.'

"We'll have to retract that article. On of our co-authors is the night watchman."

Autobiographies - Fiction and Non-fiction.

'We won't publish your book 'The Life of a mayfly: An Autobiography' because it's only a page long!'

"Walter Thruggins, My Life as a Pensions Adviser."

"Poetry? Philosophy? Just what kind of dinner conversation do you want?"

Tony Blair and Blairwash.

"I was able to get you a 2-book deal."

'Meet the Author!'

"So- how go the formative years?"

'Oh please uncle Jim! Tell us another creepy story of the living!'

"He and Carruthers are both doing biographies of Tolstoy, and it's a race to the finish."