Audiology Gifts

'I have this constant ringing in my ears. I think I have tinnitus.' - 'Does it sound like an 'eeeeeee' or a 'shhhhh'?' - 'It's like the murmer of a thousand forgotten souls quietly lamenting past sorrows.' - 'Hmmm. I don't have a checkbox for that, sadly.

Flying Ear Specialist

"Nurse, can you send in the interpreter for Senora Delgado?"

"Don't worry, with a hearing-aid, you'll be able to hear the farmer's whistles and shouts again..."

'What I don't understand is how all three of us managed to get the figures wrong!'

'What do you want first - The bad news or the even badder news?'

'Please remember that these figures could be off as much as two dollars.'

ACME INDUSTRIES NEW PRODUCTS DIVISION, 'The best part is, it can repossess itself!'

"Although technically it's a profit and loss statement, the narrative is admittedly rather one-sided."

'Actually, accounting is an exact science.'

"The prostate biopsy shows your pain threshold is much higher than normal."

'Big audio gear is coming back!'

'Why don't you ever look at ME that way?'

'Taxes are going up, but that's no excuse to earn less, Mr. Syms.'

"I'm curious about your dependent children, Scamp, Flop, and Spunky."

"Brilliant report, I can't tell where the facts and the fiction begins"

"In the event of an actual S.E.C. investigation, legal representation will drop from the ceiling."

At the rock concert...

Contrary to popular belief, the road to Hell is paved with a comprehensive, lifetime tax return.

'Plimbco Bank &Trust, Old Money Division.'

In and Out Tray

Gramophone dreams of mp3 player.

"The doctor thinks I need a hearing something or other."

'Not bad, Ms. Newborn. But take another crack at it, and this time remember that 'earnings-per-share' is the alter upon which all other numbers are sacrificed.'

'You have to reconcile your gross habits with your net income.'

"Just remember if we don't enjoy it we can claim it as a tax-deductible business meeting..."

Businessman sees door sign 'Department of Mismanagement and Overbudget'.

"Why yes, there was an extra five thousand dollars in my pay check last week...er...I thought it was a raise."

Is this your idea of a joke, Findlay...?

"The numbers don't lie . . . but we do."

Stock market investment advice

'I think I see what's making your funny noise.'

"Might you explain to me how your division managed to spend twenty-six thousand dollars on tennis balls?"

The transparent safe box of Panama

"I finally gave in, I got sick of hearing, 'Polly want a podcast?... Polly want a podcast!'"