Aspiring Criminal Mastermind Pillows

"Criminal masterminds have to do better at maths, Abercrombie."

"Don't you think you're taking this whole, 'neighbourhood watch' thing a little too serious, dear?"

Implement operation 'KILL ALL PLUMBERS'!

Phone. Oh, no! My Clark Kent clothes are gone! Secret Identity Theft.

'With your permission sir... checkmate.'

'Done! We're now on Santa's 'nice' list.'

Eager to pull a prank on his chiropractor, Dennis taped a bag of potato chips to the small of his back.

The World's Most Evil Mastermind (and a man sitting in a chair).

Manager. Managing a political campaign and a baseball team are alike in many ways. A campaign is launched with a "first pitch," when a candidate gives a speech selling himself or herself. I change pitchers based on the game situation. In politics and baseball, sometimes it's best to come from the right side and sometimes it's best to come from the left side. We study our competitors' weaknesses and exploit those. In politics we call that "opposition research." And I don't worry about the

"Hey Neil, I've got an idea - let's really freak everyone out and tell them you're quitting physics to become my new co-Pope."

'Maybe I should abandon my crew and keep all the treasure for myself!'

Larry, working on the great American stick-up note.

'The curious incident of the dig in the night-gown.'

'To err is human. To really mess up, we've got to do some planning.'

Book sections, 'crime' and 'master crime'.

I heard you're on your way to Europe to secure a source of black market hepatitis C drugs. What? What are you talking about? I deny everything. Where did you hear that? You added an airplane pillow, the "German For Dummies," the book "Hep C and You," and "Smugglerco Duffel Bag w/Secret Compartment" to your Amazon wishlist. I ordered you the book "Not Everyone Is Cut Out For A Life Of Crime." I deny everything.

"I swear! As soon as she saw me, she jumped onto a chair and started screaming! It was hilarious..."

"To save time, Dr. Nuclear, we ask that you stop following every correct answer with a bout of maniacal laughter."

"I'll say one thing - you're full of surprises."

Yes, inspector, it's another cold-blooded murder!

"How about this? The story of a little reindeer whose exclusion from reindeer games led to the study of math and science, enabling him to develop levitation tech and thus eliminate the need for flying reindeers, thereby consigning his early tormentors to

CHILD PSYCHOLOGIST, 'He wants to be a cop!'

'I've been a burglar, a blackmailer, a mugger, and an armed robber, but by gosh I've never been a LAWYER!'

'What would happen if we hired two private detectives to follow each other?'

All quiet in MoneyLaunderingCo whilst the men dispute the ironing roster.

"I have mess recognition. I show my messy room and my phone knows it has to be me."

Weapon of mass destruction to King's castle gambit

"They say you're good with forgeries?"

'I got to get home quick to hack the principal's email to my dad.'

"Finish your homework first, then you can hack into Trump's tax returns."

'We lucked out and drew a liberal judge -- I'll see if you can write a term paper for extra credit.'

Fighting corruption

I've had four espresso shots and a red bull. Look out post office, here comes Sadie! Post office? You're fueling up so you have the strength to endure the long lines? Ha. I'm creating the lines. I get to the counter with a stack of complicated questions, then watch the people behind me go nuts with frustration! Bwah-ha-ha-ha!!! One of the best maniacal laughs in the business.

"Idiot! Who leaves a tip?!"

Inventors Club.