Artistic Investor Gifts

'Stand over there and hold out some money. I want to test my fiscal compass.'

"We have a new line of designer hedge funds...the Topiary Group."

'Actually, they're a hybrid. They are a blue-chip, common stock.'

Pig's Human Bank

"I invested in Chinese stocks just because of my ironic sense of humor - if it goes wrong, I can't even afford a bowl of Chop Suey!"

'I only buy art that I can understand.'

'Most of my clients are shareholders, managers and sales executives.'

Artist Painting Dollar.

"In this piece, the price clearly does not reflect what the artist is trying to say."

"So you're a poet? I don't get exposed to much poetry these days, unless you talk about the poetry of price-to-earnings ratios."

"We'd like to take a majority position in your poetry."

"The secret to his success is: buy low, sell high, follow your nose."

"I recommend that you dump the tech stocks and go into acorns."

'I highly recommend this painting if you're into art as an investment.'

'I'm beginning to worry -- everything I've got is tied up in investment newsletters!'

"Regarding my art collection, I know what I like."

Investor loses shirt in Eurozone meltdown.

"We invest in original art but these days this is all we could afford."

"I want to switch all my municipal bonds into stocks, my stocks into T-bill and my T-bills into municipal bonds."

"Portraits? Sorry, I don't do portraits. I'm doing religious paintings for economic leaders."

'This year's stock market compared to last year's? Well, that is a bit before my time.'

"Buy a bunch of these tiny houses. When you need something bigger, they're stackable!"

'My first piece of advice is not to put all your eggs in one basket.'

Investing in a funny market

'I'd be interested in any stocks that are Oprah-approved.'

'Your financial statements indicate to my trained eye that your tolerance for risk is low.'

My next song is for all of you with unbalanced portfolios...

"This little piggy went to market and lost a bundle in global high yield funds.."

Gillian, Barry, and the Price of a Small Braque

Businessman looks at abstract painting, saying: 'I won't be investing in this one -I've just met the artist and he's in perfectly good health.'

'Is there any way to invest in late fees?'

Jester with scratch cards. "I need to win some money to fund my arts project."

Tax shelters of the rich and famous

"SOLD - for £30 million to the man with more money than sense!!"

'Yes sir, both your precious metal and heavy metal investments are doing well.'