Approval Hunter Pillows

"If it weren't for Instagram, I'd have no self-esteem at all."

So which rung are you on my corporate ladder?

'Your resume is a little thin, but I like your willingness to be manipulated by upper management.'

"If it doesn't happen on Facebook, it didn't happen."

I put a picture of my lunch on Facebook, and nobody hit "like." Who doesn't like Slim Jims and beer?

Win - win

"It's just one monkey at one typewriter, but we've given him an infinite need for validation."

'Someone important is bound to see my resume now!'

'Actually, there's no interview necessary. Just pull out the sword and the job's yours.'

"The election's over, Trump won, the illegals are being deported and I'm here for one of them there high-paying American jobs he promised."

And I like to call this my 'dance of the enhanced PEP at alternative firms'.

Help wanted. Various positions available.

"Attention, wanna-be son-in-law ... we're losing!"

"How's the job interviews going?" "Not well. Seems they only want the best and the brightest."

'Henry has found his niche with us.'

"This is one of those great jobs you'd be willing to do for free. Will you do it for free?"

'I think I'm decisive. Can I get back to you on that?'

First Prize!

'You don't want the job, do you?'

'Have you got a resume?'

YOU ARE HERE

Are you able to concentrate on your work? My mind wanders a lot but fortunately it's too weak to go very far.

'Do you think now's a good time to ask for a raise?' - 'I wouldn't if I was you. She gave me one this morning.'

Multi-Species Employment Agency. Did you hire the octopus for that job opening? Yeah, but I did interview other applicants. The frog was a strong candidate ... I'm flexible on location -- I'm an amphibian! The whale seemed to be hiding something. The gap in my resume? Uh ... I was beached for a while. And the pig wasn't smart. I see "USDA Approved" on your resume --- I don't think you understand what that means. The octopus got the job because he was a great multitasker!

'Mr. Barnes was going to interview you for the job, until he realized you were actually expecting financial compensation, benefits and vacation time.'

"I enjoyed your resume, young man - especially the hand-written addendum from your mom."

How do you fell about buying your own health insurance?

Your resume is only 8 words long! You're hired!

"I'm not going to shoot the messenger, but I'm also not going to renew his grant."

"I can see from your résumé that you're a man."

"The boss loves the positive feedback he gets every time he says something."

"Do you have any other qualities to offer apart from loyalty?"

I'm ego surfing right now, looking up my name on different search engines.

'For a raise you must apply in person to our Bombay office...'

Being unable to clearly articulate responses to interview questions is a common mistake...