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Rejected resumes.

"But can't I be feared and loved?"

Skeptic Tank.

"Still, he might be remembered as the 'no cloning' President."

"I thought they introduced the witch a little late."

"We've stared at the election map for so long it's become a Magic Eye poster."

Dr. Darrin found her peer review process unnerving.

'Well the GOOD news is that the new software analyzed hundreds of thousands of potential customers to identify any that would have a genuine interest in the product...'

"Sure, meritocracies are fine, but why take the chance?"

"I love my unreliable narrator. You?"

"How is it that Mick Jagger still has the energy to be Mick Jagger, but you're exhausted just from being you."

'It's simple. First we look at the upside. Then we look at the downside. Then we look at the upside-down side.'

Hypnotist - "You are going into a deeeep sleeep"

Mystery Writer's Book Signing...Tell the Author How You Could Have COme Up With A Better Ending, 4-6pm.

"Ralph's over-interpreting the data again."

"I have headaches, stomach, pains, aching muscles, back pains, creaking joints, nausea and dry eyes."

"That's it! I'm giving up TV! Every single show is awesome! So now nothing is worth watching."

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'No specials will be seen tonight, so that we may bring you our regularly-scheduled programs....'

"I've concluded a meta analysis of the myriad of tests we've run and I think I can say with a certain level of certainty that you are probably screwed...."

"Let me through. I'm a philosopher."

'An oral contract is not worth the paper it's written on.'

"I'm glad you took the trouble to diagnose your own symptoms using the internet...and you'd be 100% accurate...IF you were a GOAT."

Ernie tries to learn from his mistakes but it's like filling a teacup with a fire hose.

"I'm pretty sure I'm a hypochondriac sucking up scarce resources with my imaginary ailments....but I thought I'd come in and get a second opinion."

"Good God. My wife and my best friend."

Royal Wedding Mania

"Is there a doctor in the house...preferably in-network?"

'Perhaps the letter grading system needs to be overhauled.'

"Scratch an angry person, Mel, and underneath, you're likely to find a person who doesn't like being scratched very much!"