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"That's it! I'm giving up TV! Every single show is awesome! So now nothing is worth watching."

"You're going to have to submit to peer review eventually, Bradshaw!"

"O.K. he's a billionaire, but how much of it is in cash?"

"Next time be more careful where you put the decimal point!"

"Still, he might be remembered as the 'no cloning' President."

'I'm terribly worried, Doctor - he doesn't talk back to Bill O'Reilly any more.'

"I thought they introduced the witch a little late."

'Picasso'

"I'm a pragmatist, Leon. Before I put a new product on the market, I ask myself, 'Will it sell?' "

Dr. Darrin found her peer review process unnerving.

Estate Agent - 'They're all mine.'

Sadder and Wiser Investment Co.

New Course At The New School

"Sadie, you were around in the sixties...was 'Mad Men' accurate?"

"And yet, I too am a still life."

'This mindless blather is edited for TV.'

"I love my unreliable narrator. You?"

'Wow, excellent turnout.'

'It's simple. First we look at the upside. Then we look at the downside. Then we look at the upside-down side.'

"Blame the messenger."

Hypnotist - "You are going into a deeeep sleeep"

Mystery Writer's Book Signing...Tell the Author How You Could Have COme Up With A Better Ending, 4-6pm.

"Ralph's over-interpreting the data again."

'You don't see many of those drawings made with one continuous line much anymore.'

"I have headaches, stomach, pains, aching muscles, back pains, creaking joints, nausea and dry eyes."

Phone Dating: Man imagines a gorgeous girl while woman thinks of a handsome man.

"The robbery and car chase are better in the movie but the hostage situation was definitely better on the cable news coverage."

'Now that tobacco has been conclusively demonstrated to be addictive, the Government is funding a $3.5 billion study to find out if water is wet.'

"It was messed up. Everybody was wearing masks", "Hmmm." / "It was messed up. Nobody was wearing masks.", "Hmmm."

'No specials will be seen tonight, so that we may bring you our regularly-scheduled programs....'

'Sorry. In the time it took you to get out your credit card the price of smokes went up another 30 cents.'

"I've concluded a meta analysis of the myriad of tests we've run and I think I can say with a certain level of certainty that you are probably screwed...."

The Judgmental Algorithm

Rejected resumes.