Appearance Critic Pillows

'Of course she hasn't aged a bit. She's married to a plastic surgeon!'

"Did you see that trimmed-up earlier than thou look on her face, just then?"

'Now that you've all had a chance to try the shampoo we would like you to fill in this questionnaire.'

'Dude, you like, need to get your wallet chain in check!'

'That guy is SO tacky.'

A bald eagle approaches middle age

This picture of me in the annual report...do you think it really captures the true inner corporate man?

"But everything seems so neat and orderly we'd never guess that your lives are falling apart."

'I wasn't the smartest guy in the room, but I had the whitest teeth!'

"Is it my imagination, or does our use of correction fluid increase as people's teeth get whiter?"

'Try not to stare. Father Time hot hair plugs and botox.'

My Mom texted me to let me know she hates all the fonts she saw this week.

'Sometimes I wonder how things would have turned out, if I'd gotten Mom's eyes and Dad's hair.'

"Do you have something cheap but with a really expensive label?"

'A neighbour of mine has just come in - put 'em in a size 4 box, will you?'

"So all these years you never did yoga but just walked around carrying the mat?"

'True rupture is rare. Ladies' breasts are most commonly bursting simply with admiration for me and my skills.'

"Height is the only thing I'm capable of changing about myself."

'I'm going to stop coming here -it's completely lost it's fresh, country atmosphere!'

Avoid boys who spend more on hair products than you do!

'Google Earth is getting SO precise! Right now, I'm zoomed in on Kathy Mangiante's face and I can tell she's had lip implants!'

"My father would never let me marry a boy with a combover."

Budget cure

'Too much Botox, Mavis.'

Before becoming an astronomer, James worked in the fashion industry.

'Anything else you want fixing, while I'm taking the mole off your nose?'

"Actually, I do look a lot like my mom. It's just that I have her first nose."

"The gentleman opposite would like to buy you more time."

"I'm not so much interested in 'wellness' as I am 'swellness'."