Apathetic Comedian Pillows

Not to do list - Vote.

"Nihilistic customer service"

Express Barber Chair. 10 Hairs or Less

Inflation Is Up, Interest Rates Are Going Up. . . I'm Asking You To UP Your Donation.

"What if my inner demons want to write about bunnies?"

"Marlowe filled the crooked gumshoe full of lead. He watched the smoke from his .38 coil in the air as he… mommy’s behind me, isn’t she?"

"These are smart socks. They will crawl themselves to the clothes hamper when you throw them on the floor. Make sure they're charged before wearing them."

"I know I'm getting old when one big fart throws my back out."

"I broke off the relationship, then came the endless reminders, the sad letters and emails...It's tough cancelling a subscription."

Who...what...why...when...where...whatever...

'Has the news finished yet?'

Attention: Due to a lack of interest we have dropped the APATHY channel - Sorry for any inconvenience.

Bad Scalp Day

"I don't care if all your friends like that. You go back and put on some more insulation, young lady!"

No Presents Until Christmas Day

"I'm detecting no heart at all...which explains your dislike of cute puppy videos."

"He's busy cross-training. He's drinking with his left hand."

Policeman and cab tout,

'You either need an antihistamine or a heart transplant -- I'll have to check your credit rating to be sure.'

"Yes, I'm vegan and no longer eat the prey animals but it's still a lot of fun to kill them!"

'Just look at it ! - your tortoise has been on the rampage again!'

Wash Cycles.

Human Cull: People who spend 10 minutes in line for food and only read the menu to make up their mind when they get to the front.

"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Unless you're sure they can't hit back."

"And I'm pretty sure he's seeing another woman."

"Well, this is an awkward purr."

'She ran off with my credit rating.'

'I'd invite you in but my box is a mess.'

"Put me down as 'past caring'."

Simon the Hippy

'I found them on the side of the road, they said they would love to help out our charity drive.'

"Is that all?"

LEAGUE OF CLUELESS VOTERS, 'I don't even try to follow politics any more.'