Anxious About Health Gifts

"I fell down the stairs again."

'Who wants to be examined first?'

A Hypochondriac's Worst Nightmare

"You dropped yer wallet."

Trust

"Things look good but let's run a few more tests since mortality runs in your family."

"I made a list of all my symptoms. Lost the list. Can't remember any of my symptoms now."

'...And my thirty-seventh symptom....'

'Remember your blood pressure, dear!...the Dr, warned about anything that would anger you, like this divided congress and their inability to compromise on things beneficial to the nation.'

"Hypochondriac's handbook. A little passion project I'm working on;, or, rather, I would be working on."

Rule #1. Of what? HYPOCHONDRIACS HANDBOOK. A little passion project I'm working on; or, rather, I would be working on. I can't write or type wearing my protective anti-flu gear. Rule #1: Get some loser to take dictation for you. I hate where this is heading.

'I'm convinced I've got page 68 of my medical dictionary, doctor!'

'You have a harmless but highly irritating form of nervous disorder we call D.Y.I. - Diagnosing Yourself on the Internet.'

"As a confirmed hypochondriac, I rely on placebos to get me through the day."

Health MOT's will attract 'worried well': I've looked up my symptoms on the internet and I think I've got ALL these life threatening illnesses.

Just in time for Halloween...

'Panic over...it's not mumps just high blood pressure.'

'You're a hypochondriac.' 'Yes, Doctor, but am I a healthy hypochondriac, or a sick hypochondriac?'

Tunnel of Anxiety

'Your present physical condition reminds me of my 401(K), worth about half of what it once was'

"They told me to consult with a doctor before beginning an exercise program."

"So, when you looked up your symptoms, did it say to complain about it incessantly but never seek treatment?"

'You're fine.'

'Even hypochondriacs pass away...sooner or later.'

'It's Mrs Yomp - she can't remember if she should take the aspirin first and call you in the morning, or call you first, then take the aspirin...'

Fred prays that he remembered to put on clean underwear that morning.

"Have you considered spinal fusion?"

My doctor says my heart is fragile. I'm supposed to cut down on my activism. You mean activity? Activism. He says that getting upset about idiotic, right-wing, greedy jerks is bad for my heart. He's a quack! This ends badly.

John panics as he realizes being first to put money in the offering means people will know how much he gave.

"You might want to sit down, Mrs. Dumpty."

"I knew it. I just KNEW it. How long have I had this condition, doctor? Is there a cure? Oh, God, it just had to be disease, didn't it..." Cathy finds out that she has hypochondria.

'You have hypochondria... are you allergic to placebo?'

Dentistry jokes.

St Ninian, patron saint of hypochondriacs

'I'm afraid there's nothing I can do for you... You're a hypochondriac.' 'Gasp! I knew it.'