Antiques Appraiser Gifts

'Now we come to what it would have been worth'

'Well, it WAS worth nine thousand dollars. Sorry about that.'

Antiques Roadshow - "When you hear the valuation.. "

'It's genuine 17th century satsuma - and the pair would have been worth ?14,000.'

Prompts on the Antiques Roadshow.

The Collector's Corner

“What we have here is an old moral compass. How did it come into your possession?”

Nautical Antiques: We Catch Your Drift

Antiques roadshow 4, naked sculpture "I'm afraid it's reproduction"

'I'm sorry but the cracks in this Coalition vase render it completely worthless.'

"Well, it would have been worth half a million pounds..."

"I may not know much about art, but I do know what's suitable for framing."

'They look more up to date than the ones in your tool-box.'

Trilby - 'Je prong!'

You had me at vintage.

Antiques

'I'd like to match this credenza.'

'This is a letter opener, from the days before faxes and email. I just sold it online after I listed it as a vintage communication device.'

"Attention, everyone! I'd like to introduce the newest member of our family."

'We always like to give more bling for the buck.'

Ye Old Cafe: No Coffee Today - Sore Arm!

'Who are you kidding? This is a wind-up isn't it!'

"Thrilling news, sweetie! The National Gallery's entire collection of Velázquez is now attributed to you."

'...So you claim this is genuine Rembrandt?'

'Have you any idea just how little this is worth?'

Auctioneer: 'Sold to the lady whose husband just walked out!'

Telephone line ends up buried in the ground with a headstone.

"My goodness, no! Grandfather would never, ever let us near this!!"

"The keep saying unrestored and what a nice PATINA, Ted. A better-sounding word for old tarnished stuff would be SCRINCH or SKRITCH, don't you think, eh, Ted?"

'Oh I don't mind you turning over my cups to look at the mark. But next time, please finish your tea.'

"Don't you sometimes worry that if they do give us our stuff back we'll lose some of the sense of grievance that's so crucial to our cultural identity?"

Acme Slide Rules: 'We'll be here and ready, when the current electronic gadgetry fad fades!'

Islington Angels.

"I must have completely lost track of time."

'...And it comes with valuable coupons toward your next purchase.'