Annuity Humorist Pillows

"It's a real pleasure to do business with you..."

Life with a professional baseball catcher.

"I agree, the place was a tear-down, but I just remembered we were only renting it."

"Eww - that whale's breath smells awful!" "You could use a breath mint yourself, lady!"

MUSHROOM MASACRE.

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

' It's a bit of an anti climax - I've washed it but I can't go any where ! '

'I'm no expert, but I think we're a little behind when it comes to the latest industry technology.'

'Sorry guys... budget cuts !'

'Mom, Dad... we found out that in a previous life, Sheila was a dog and I was a tree. That's why we decided to marry to continue this promising relationship!'

"Pendleton, as of noon today your services will no longer be required. Meanwhile, keep up the good work."

"You run into a window, too?"

"I must have pressed the wrong button."

"All this online learning sort of makes you miss the head lice days, huh?"

"I'm thinking of leaving these crowded condos and going to a place that's been deserted for years...the mall."

"....And the weatherman said it was going to be a hot one today so take it easy and stay hydrated..."

'I'm writing a vegetarian cook book.'

"We are here to remove a blockage in your bank account."

'Eh, love. The one armed bandit at the end of the bar isn't working.'

"Did you really think you were getting in here?"

A dog dressed as a cowboy leans against a sign that reads "Armed response".

"It's right here in the brochure: 'Be sure to tip your fishing guide.'"

"Well I got a dog because I wanted to spend more time brushing hair off my clothes, and picking up poop."

"The tricky bit is finding some UK infrastructure that's working to switch it off."

'We can't serve you the businessman's lunch because you don't look the business type.'

"...They must be poor catchers, there's two men behind the plate."

'How much are your upside-down cakes? 99p.'

'He always said he wouldn't be seen dead with his shirt outside his trousers - he'll be livid.'

'He followed me home. Can I keep him, mum? Can I?'

'Ever think it's a whole new world for us old guys?'

'Ha! You moron! How did you manage to use all nine of your lives at once?'

Paunch and Judy.

Come back in, no one will laugh at you.