Announcement Ace Pillows

Training for Emergency Broadcast System workers

He may have a PH.D in elementary particle physics, but he's having an awful lot of trouble with the application form.

Lethal Presentation

Job Vacancy: Human cannonball. Applicants must of the right calibre

Nerd tryouts.

It's an autobiography of a guy who spent his whole life trying to get his first @#^& book published. Editor.

Hair Traffic control.

"Hey, there's Sara, padding her college-entrance résumé!"

Yahoo! What's that about? She got into the college of her choice. Which college is it? Not sure. She chose to apply to 37. West Fester High School.

Ins and Outs of Sex Therapy

When Managers have a Four Seasons pizza.

Try to hold your audience's attention when giving a presentation.

'Now that we've dispensed with minutes of our last meeting, I'd like to introduce the first item under 'new business'. I'm pregnant.'

'I spent today with out spindoctor, and boy, am I dizzy.'

"Knowing two languages is sure handy when telemarketers call."

'Don't Move!' - 'Why would I want to move? Lived here for 51 years, know all the neighbours, shops nearby, post office is closed but...'

"Timmy, thank you for your science report..."Yawning is Contagious.'"

"I got a job for the king!" "Shirley, you jest!"

"I have bad news, but it's in bullet points!"

Announcement at teatime

Politician with lots of address books

"I'd love to meet up, but my calendar is a jam-packed with squares and sequential numbers."

"Today we're filling out mock college applications."

'What made that candidate stand out?'

'My, doesn't time fly? I can hardly believe it's been a year since you last forgot our anniversary!'

You're on, caller. What's your problem? My baby won't stop crying. How do I get her to stop? What do you mean, "get her to stop"? Your baby's a human being and she already has things she wants to tell you. Crying is the only language she knows. Just hold her, tell her "I hear you" ... ... AND GROW A THICKER SKIN! BABY TEARS AREN'T LITTLE GRENADES, LOSER! I wish she'd just text me like everyone else.

It's the Fad Herald. I should've upgraded my phone. Hear ye. Today, a special announcement. The following is now in: Hope. Until further notice, that tingly, expectant feeling you're experiencing may be interpreted as optimism, mild euphoria, the illusion of better times ahead. Wow. Now that you mention it. Cool. Wait ... What do you man by illusion? Looking ahead to 2020 trends: Disappointment. Nah. We'll be fine, I'm sure.

"And as we study this list, one thing is clear... my wife is doing groceries with my sales report."

Wordplay: Mediator.

"My super powers are listening and downsizing my life."

Yeah, we totally need to post a relationship status update.

Equestrian cheats by using a staircase instead of jumping over the jump.

The Sun Comes Out

"My email is down, so if you need to communicate with me, use this."

Thank you, Thank you... One quick announcement - The owner of a large orange gourd - Please move your vehicle - You're parked on a loading zone.