Amusement Park Goer Gifts

Humane cattle slaughter.

Whack-A-Mole Surrender

Attention! You must be the same height, width and depth as this sing to get on this ride.

"Now this is a dog park!"

'It's supposed to be the most fun place on earth.'

Tunnel of love.

"It creates the illusion of risk but you know you're perfectly safe."

"What sorcery be this? Thine castle is bouncy!"

"Remember, pregnancy is like taking an exciting thrill ride at an amusement park only the seats are larger."

Fist Bumper Cars

End the Winter Blues

Hay Rides $10

"Be sure to check out the rides. They're free, too, with the purchase of tickets."

You must be this tall.

'Miss Carruthers, check and see if we have an extradition treaty with Disneyland.'

Bob's Marriage Advice: 'Geez, Bob. . . Now you're equating both marriage living in Florida to death?!!. . .Ah. . . so the restraining order by Disneyworld is still in effect?'

Tunnel of Temporary Infatuation

Wild Weather Ride - 2005.

"Look—you can't say we don't give them fair warning!"

The ride with the shortest lines at disneyworld...

Monument in the park for Squirrel Feeder

'...Please stop the...'

Tunnel of Whale Guts

Log Ride

"Didn't read the book, missed the movie, but I've been to the theme park."

Wait – is that your dad? Tunnel of Love.

'Who ever came up with the idea that throwing up is fun?'

Riding the Rollercoaster.

Giraffe Rollercoaster

Children sitting in bumper cars playing on their cellphones.

Tunnel of like.

"Well, there's never going to be a perfect time to start a family."

"Why are we eating all this fattening stuff? Pier pressure."

Cliche Amusement Park. This park is no fun at all --- It's too much like real life! Look, that ride is called "The Emotional Roller Coaster." Over there is "Life's Ups and Downs"! ... and "The Mood Swings"! Look! The good old "Tunnel of Love"! Finally! A ride that's just a fun escape! Out of ardor. "Out of ardor" --- More real life. (Published originally Sept. 4, 2005.)

Funnel of Love.