American Cuisine Aficionado T-Shirts

"A hamburger with French fries is all the diversity I need."

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

"The menu just says fried fish, but may I give you a more compelling, surprisingly lyrical description?"

'Of course you're very dear to me - that meal just cost a fortune.'

"Waiter! Two of your finest menus!"

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

'Er . . . and a fork for me...'

'I'm sure M'lady will appreciate the mashed potatoes. Our chef uses only grass-fed single-udder butter.'

"Hmmm ... you're right — I forgot the brie."

'You're lucky there, Sir. That's the last one in the world.'

"The wine has subtle hints of expensive pretension, but it's balanced nicely by the screw cap."

"Room for dessert, folks?"

'Can I have flies with that'

"How's the salmon?"

"The prices they charge here, you'd expect them to have an oven not just a gas ring!"

"In our house the four major food groups are Bordeaux, Merlot, Chardonnay and Champagne."

'You're going to be in heaven. Cindy makes the most amazing carrot cakes!'

Elvis Presley

Great moments in 'Haute Cuisine'. . . America gives the world the Donut Sandwich.

"Geoffrey's seasonal. I'm regional."

"I know you've been waiting a long time, but the Pearls were here before you."

'A Quarter-Tonner, please.'

'I'm filling in for the sommelier. We have a fine shiraz today for only $39. It's 14.7 alcohol, a Class 1B flammable, so if I see you consume it near an open flame, I'll have to cite you.'

"This deserves an Instagram photo. Would you mind taking a picture of someone washing the dishes when I'm done?"

"Yes, he is a celebrity chef, but he doesn't have any opinions on Iraq."

"...and the asparagus this evening is delightful. It's been simmering all day in the tears of the poor."

Avocado Timeline

Teenage Angst.

"And finally the chef's surprise - the check!"

'It's a good source of calcium and contains plenty of flabonoids.'

Man with a 'menu', woman with a 'womenu'.

'Pass the grey stuff.'

"My compliments to the sommelier."

The marketing is out there now. People all know the pizzas are prepared on the premises. So why no customers?

'Heads it's mortgage payment, tails it's 1st growth Bordeaux.'