Amateur Tax Expert Gifts

"The big shell is nice, but the property taxes are a killer."

'What I don't understand is how all three of us managed to get the figures wrong!'

Next time, a larger tip for the server and less free tax advice.

'Congratulations! You're the proud father of three healthy, bouncing tax deductions!'

"You really clean up on these mileage deductions, don't you."

"Thank you, and may the I.R.S. accept all your deductions."

"You may think the government is a big 'Giveaway' program, but you can't deduct your tax as a charitable contribution."

'How's daddy's little deductions doing?'

"Don't you think we should wait to see the effects of the new tax code?"

Congressional Budget Committee: Benefactor...Victim

"It's no use, Super Rich! Your labyrinthine, yet entirely legal tax structures are too powerful for me!"

'So, they weren't interested in your Robin Hood tax then.'

'Okay... now everyone smile and say: 'that;s not deductible'.'

'Aluminum siding will be used to cut costs in restoration at the U.S. Capitol.'

Osborne's Tax Cuts

New Improved I.R.S.

'Wouldn't it be easier if the banks simply merged with the Inland Revenue?'

'We're all wearing them - they were a gift from Warren Buffett.'

'I sent my mother to jail. I work for the IRS.'

"Son, 'Law of the Jungle' means that the tax authority guys are the predators and your dad is the prey."

'Don't get me wrong, the Church is glad to hear your confession of improper contributions, but only the I.R.S. can grant absolution.'

"I realize how helpless and needy they are, but I'm afraid you still can't claim a human as a dependent."

'I'd like to think they contribute because it's the right thing to do, but I'm not above a short sermon on tax deductibility.'

"And do you promise to love, honor, and cherish each other, and to pay the United States government more in taxes as a married couple than you would have paid if you had just continued living together?"

'Right you've got 30 minutes...start squeezing.'

'Of course, we could drop the enquiry and agree to henceforth leave each other alone.'

"Tell the press direct EU-taxation is necessary..."

Ever sensitive about its image, the IRS tries a more service-oriented approach.

'Is it true that you people give tax breaks for minority-owned businesses?'

'Stick a few upper-class tax cuts to it and it'll pass like a bran muffin dipped in vaseline.'

'I'm afraid, Mr.Siimkins, that you have been badly advised - Birmingham is NOT a tax haven. . .'

'Grible is a fiscal conservative. You know — 'if it ain't broke, don't subsidize it.''

"Here's a new one, intellectual property tax."

"Remember, report itemized deductions on Schedule A on your federal form 1040."