Altruism Analyzer Gifts

"Let's register as a charity and get people to donate their souls."

"I'm in nonprofit work for the money."

"We add an eighteen percent gratuity for parties of six or more."

"Me? I have a strong urge to devote my life to making the world a better place for all humanity."

Alms Bank

Confirmation Bias

"I could have gotten to the top . . . but I wasted all my time in the park."

Vampire Blood Donor - I've never done this before.

'Next time you apologize, try to do it with no strings attached. String can be very distracting.'

"Okay, we've donated to the Food Bank, Feed the Hungry, Food for Life, Hunger Helpers, Starving World, Second Helpings. . . is anyone else getting hungry?"

"My religion is about love and tolerance! Got that, you stupid son of a bitch!?!

Help - "What's in it for me?"

"Young man, you're the only one who bothered to stop!"

Job Interview, "This company wants a person who is both ruthless and intelligent but who is also too dumb to want to try for my job."

The Street Kid at Christmas.

"Rich guys are ruthless. They give no quarter."

The idea of democracy in some former East Bloc-countries...

Santa Claus donates blood.

Water carriers/bearers.

One in ten Minnesotans live with hunger.

"The first rule in business, mother, is to never trust anyone. Now go back and walk through the metal detector again...slowly."

"I'm a do-gooder, Maggie. It's not easy."

'I've changed my mind, I'm using all mine!'

"You do pro bono work, I work for a non-profit, we both do volunteer work... that's why we need food stamps."

'Public spirited mathematician comes to work every weekend to do some pro bono equations'

Bums Without Borders

"Well, it's official. The American Dream has become the American Daydream."

"It says here that you gave a lot of money to both parties and neither expected nor received anything in return. Very nice, but we'll have to put you in the crazy section."

"I've donated blood fourteen times. . .!"

'It seems that he was too optimistic. His glass of water wasn't half full. Obviously, it was completely empty.'

"You haven't said 'Thank You' once."

'It's good that you enjoy volunteerism. This job pays just about nothing.'

Don't Buy Local!

"When I win the lottery, I'll be an agent of goodness...giving every last penny to needy children, the homeless, and the sick and destitute of the world."

"I haven't change my New Year's resolutions, just the year I'll do them."