Altar Server Gifts

"Freshly ground pepper?"

"The menu just says fried fish, but may I give you a more compelling, surprisingly lyrical description?"

"Waitress, have you smoked salmon..?"

"Stephen and I are today's special."

"I'd like the garden salad with the blue cheese dressing, and my mother would like me married by age thirty."

"Christmas - what a fuss eh?"

"And I'll also take my steak raw thank you."

"Even the waiters here are organic."

'A cheeky red?'

"He could have been the national bird, but that was a long, long time ago."

"You said the cauliflower is locally grown – would you elaborate?"

'Do you have any catsup?'

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

Fast food. Even faster food

"An actor, you say? Guess you caught the acting-like-a-waiter bug."

"Everything on our menu uses organic, locally sourced, graveyard-to-table ingredients."

"You owe me five bucks."

"You say your crème needs more Brulée?"

"I'll have the Investigator's Special."

"The spoon, he ran away with the goddam spoon."

"Once I connect with my server over there, I can turn my lamp on and off."

"Something's wrong with the broccoli. Please take it back to the kitchen and have it genetically modified."

'Waiter...my entrée fell over.'

"All of tonight's specials dance around the whole GMO thing."

Next time, a larger tip for the server and less free tax advice.

'Excuse me, but do you have a decaffeinated baristo?'

"I'm new here. How much do we leave for a tip?"

"Hi, I'm Pop!"

"And I'll have that lightly sedated, please."

Jeff soon discovered his mistake in ordering the one ton soup.

"Sorry, kid. No off-campus drinking until you're twenty-one."

"She'll have a Shirley Temple, and I'll have a Shirley Temple's mother."