Alpha Male Satirist Gifts

Alpha Pansy... Grrrrrr

"I'm expert at sniffing out blame."

"It's made entirely out of rejected resumes."

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

Vendor selling testosterone.

"Think I'll be a more effective alpha male if I learn to play pool?"

"Young Montague's full of himself."

"Come on, we all know you're the new Alpha Male: No need to rub it in by wearing a badge..."

'Secondhand smoke.'

Human males marking territory.

Daniel Craig caricature

I just bought a new Kindle Voyage. It's much better than my Kindle Paperwhite. Blasphemy, little buddy. A real man lugs around a paperback that he's milled from a fallen Redwood that he lifted off of a baby deer, before reuniting the fawn with its mother. I bought if off of Amazon. I didn't even use "one-click." I used the shopping cart and chose all the options manually. Almost as impressive. I keep it old-school.

"I hate shaking hands with him, he always squeezes as hard as he can!"

'A crack team of scientists searches tirelessly for a cure for baldness.'

'The poll results are clear Sir: Your days as the Alpha Male are numbered...'

And make sure my daughter is back by 10pm: You really don't want to see me angry!

"We'll begin boarding our first-class passengers after a ten-minute pause in honor of the even wealthier people who fly in private jets."

Stay at home

Skinny model in wardrobe - 'Clothes hang better on skinny models.'

Everyone knew it was a hideous style, but nothing was ever said.

'Watch your step. I happen to know you're an alpha male.'

"Oh God, beards are so passe."

'It's bad news I'm afraid,we're asprins'

Slower than a rubber-tipped arrow,as powerful as a wind-up choo-choo, unable to step over his shoelaces, it's Copyright Free Man!

"Hey! If you're gonna use the ladies tee that skirt goes below the knees. And lose the tank top, mister."

"Be honest: Does this shirt make me look like a blockhead?"

"Alpha Male."

'Hell? No. We're just the side effects of your new drugs.'

Cat is Ruler of the House.

"Pant height = √belt ÷ age²"

'I tried to get the numberplate PEN 15 but it had gone.'

Tail-piece to the Artists' Catalogue.

"Nope...your 'Comb Over Ponytail' still isn't trending."

Distressed Clothing Fashion Shop

Do you have one in extra frumpy?